Merry Christmas!

 

Love,

The Ayala Family

Happy Birthday, my littlest brother

It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year

since our family was gripped with the greatest fear.

A disease that takes many day-in and day-out

had somehow found you, there was no doubt.

Each morning you woke up with hope and faith,

 

showing us all what it was to have strength.

Little brother, I'm so proud of the person you are

(and I hope you enjoy your brand new car!).

Happy 16th Birthday, I love you!

Christmas Cheer for all to hear, plus all that gifting pressure

I can't help but share some great news: my brother is cancer-free. How about that for a Christmas gift??! My parents are obviously over the moon and I can't help but be grateful to have such an awesome, strong, amazingly funny brother.

Now, let's talk about real meaning of Christmas, the presents! (JOKE) I have been done with the bulk of my Christmas shopping for about a week or so, marking the first time I've ever been done before the like, the 24th of December. I told Adrian in November not to be surprised because I was going to buy whatever I wanted since our situation prevented us from doing any sort of gift-giving last year. As soon as I purchased the last gift this year, I felt a sense of relief, ahhhhh. How great it felt to know that I was able to really buy the things I wanted, or at least the gifts I know my family will really enjoy.

Then I started speaking to friends, and oh, all the "stuff" they were buying and the "things" they had found for their sons, daughters, moms, dads, sisters and brothers. "Did I buy enough? Have I done my daughterly duty by buying a, b, and c for mom and x, y, and z for dad? Must. Get. More. Stuff!!"

I immediately thought, okay, I can run out and buy this with the few bucks I have left of our Christmas budget and maybe squeeze that in on a credit card, but you know what? I just paid that credit card off and those extra few bucks can go towards our desert trip in January instead of feeding into a guilt that is created by comparing things. stuff. material. objects.

It's important to keep reminding myself that although Christmas has become a holiday of giving, it's also a holiday of reflection on the "things" that matter most, which is why I started this post with such great news. All the other "stuff" is just a bonus.

I don't want to feel obligated to buy Gabriel an extra five toys (like I was almost tempted to!) because of the guilt from last year or because a friend has gotten her son more toys than I did. What I do want is for my family to feel loved, for them to know that I thought about them with each gift I purchased and that the things I found were just what they would have wanted.

Instead of teaching my son that Christmas is about volume, I want him to know that it's about love. I don't want him to remember all of the toys he got and what he liked most, though I hope that he appreciates all of the things we've purchased for him. What I do want him to remember is how special it was to spend Christmas Eve with his cousins, the joy in seeing Santa (my dad) walk in and the peace and reminder of the real meaning of Christmas that comes from the church service.

And the penis started it all

The last 11 days have been tough, very trying for all of us and it started with Gabriel's penis.

Yes, yes, I know - weird, disgusting, disturbing.

Two Sundays ago when we arrived back from Erin's wedding, while I was changing Gabriel's diaper I noticed a blood-red ring around his penis and quite obviously, was a little disturbed. Monday morning, bright and early, I skipped work and took him in to have it looked at. It was a simple "penis infection." Nice.

We carried on with our next few days, quite busily, with Adrian commuting out to El Centro and me working overtime as much as I could. Thursday afternoon I received a call from Melissa, a friend who watches Gabriel every day for us. Apparently the rash (which I've had looked at 3 times since the beginning of November) was seen by a licensing inspector who randomly dropped by to make sure everything was up to code at her daycare. Apparently it looked questionable and he was to be put in "isolation" until I came to pick him up. Seriously. So I picked him up, fought with Kaiser for three days to get the damn note, had him shuffled from person to person Friday and Monday.

Of course you know what happened next...Tuesday morning, his first morning back to daycare, he woke up sick. 99.9 fever. Coughing. Sneezing. Crying. Miserable. Angry. Ugh. Luckily and so nicely, Adrian was able to get off and pick up around 12 so the could go home, snuggle, nap and watch Sully (Monster's Inc.).

It doesn't sound like much, but it was one. thing. after. another. One of those weeks.

Who knew I could be so productive?

Aside from the dirty dishes I'm pretending don't exist in the sink, these last 24 hours have been fairly productive in my world!

I've done about 4,239,482 loads of laundry because I'm obsessed with the fact that I have a dryer.
I've posted amazing wedding photos from my bfff's wedding.
Went to the doctor for Gabriel.
Stayed home from work.
Cleaned house.
Did more laundry.
Tried the 30 Day Shred.
Loved the 30 Day Shred.
Planned on doing it again at 5:30am this morning but forgot to get up.
Went in early to work.
Stayed late at work.
Had sushi with the hubs and the bubs.
Joined Weight Watchers.
Addressed a million holiday cards.
Baked cookies.
Ate cookies.
Caught up on all my favorite shows.

Seriously. I'm that good.

On a side note, if I hadn't made the announcement that Adrian and I were trying for a baby, we were. And as an aside to that, I've put it on hold until sometime in January. I decided I'd like to be selfish a little longer and lose some weight.

Here's something to leave you with -- Merry Christmas!

Hiatus, major

Happy December! I have plenty to say and not the time to say it but fear not, I'll be back sooner rather than later.

Happy Election Day, or not.

I truly believe it is our civic duty to vote. Parties and politics aside, I think we as Americans, as Californians, as San Diegans, as Santee...ans, we are all responsible for our leadership. We're very lucky to live in country that believes in democracy, in the idea that one vote can make a difference (especiallly in Florida!). I admittedly and regretfully voted for George Bush. I voted for Obama. I voted for the Governator. The fact is, I've voted. I do my part.

That being said, I'm really struggling with the idea of voting tomorrow. I feel a little young to be saying this, but I've kind of lost my faith in politicians. You're probably snickering, thinking how can this girl have ever trusted a politician? How many dirty, sleazy, horrible jokes have we all heard about the way politicians conduct business, who they are as people, their trustworthiness, etc. etc. etc. I think I've been clouded by immaturity and inexperience since voting and it's just been recently that I'm realizing what slimeballs all of the politicians are...

I'm really disappointed! I'm really having a hard time deciding who I should vote for tomorrow. Who is the lesser of two evils? Should I even vote if both are shitty candidates with their own scary agendas?

I might just fly by the seat of my pants...since that's basically what all the politicians do.

Ahh, weekend

What a lovely weekend it has been...

Lazy Friday night

Fun Saturday at Lions, Tigers, and Bears

Relaxed Sunday morning

We're off to my aunt's to watch the Chargers lose win.

I'm trying to pretend that the weekend is not over yet...

Oh, by the way:

Orange

Last night Gabriel and I were reading the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. In the book, there's one page where the mouse is coloring with a few different colored crayons...this was our conversation...

Me: Gabriel, do you see the brown crayon, can you say brown?

Gabriel: Bwooown

Me: Can you say black?

Gabriel: Back?

Me: Can you say blue?

Gabriel: Buuuueee

Me: Can you say yellow?

Gabriel: Lellow?

Me: Can you say orange?

Gabriel: Apple...

Oops, I did it again

I am officially the world's worst employee. I called in sick again.

I admit, I probably should be saving my sick time for when I'm reeeeally, really sick, but it's so hard to want to go on a day like this...cold, dark, cozy...ahhhhh

But I swear I'm not faking it. I'm pretty convinced that Adrian's mother did something to her beans. I woke up with the worst case of bubbly, painful, uncomfortable "tummy troubles," tried  the Pepto , texted my boss and told her it was going to be a while before I could make it to the office.

I got myself and Gabriel dressed, completely intending to go in but on my drive to the sitter's house, my stomached chuuuuurrrrrnnnnnneeeedddd and tuuuuurrrrnnneeedddd and long story short, basically there was no way I was going to make it in any time soon.

So instead, I'm laying comfortably on my couch in close distance to the toilet, watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother and talking to one of my favorite people! Life is pretty decent right now...

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, part 1 - Discipline

I hate admitting when I don't know something; it happens to be the source of many skirmishes with my husband and tends to occasionally get me in trouble at work.

But I just have to say it. I have no idea how to discipline my child.

I really thought this was something that would come naturally. I'm a good mother, everything I do is always in the best interest of the boo boo. But this? I just can't figure it out.

I think it comes down to the fact that I'm too lenient. I'm the one who he comes to for comfort, love, affection; I kiss the owwies and make the boo boos go away.

I'm also the one who spends the most time with him, aside from his daycare provider. Generally if he is being a little bugger, I'm the disciplinarian. I'm supposed to be the mean guy, but I'm finding that I just can't be both.

He's not respectful of the mean mommy if the nice mommy is so nice. So now-hitting, kicking, yelling, tantrums and all the other fun crazy toddler stuff is happening and I can't figure out what works for us.

I personally don't like the idea of spanking, at least not at this age. Perhaps with a teenager, a quick swipe whips them into shape but I can't justify swatting a little boy, no matter how bratty they get.

(Sidenote: I'm speaking under the assumption that everyone realizes I'm talking about a quick, effective spank-not beating the child)

That being said, I have tried the swat unsuccessfully. He sat there looking at me for a second as if to say-wtf? And then swiped back. It was quick confirmation that spanking was definitely not the answer for us. I'm too wimpy scared to spank him hard enough for it to hurt and he's too precocious to not respond.

We're currently working on the time-out thing and it's been okay. I'm trying to be regular about it but even that I find very confusing. When is it necessary? What offense is bad enough to deem it necessary? If he doesn't listen to my reprimands for smaller issues, should he be put "on the wall" instead? Should I ignore smaller problems and only really discipline the bigger ones? Does hearing "no, don't do that," and "Gabriel, please stop now" make him completely numb to my voice?

See, I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's extremely frustrating because up until now, I had a plan for how I was going to handle everything-baby that came my way. I read so much before Gabriel was born and in the early months about what he was going through so I felt extremely prepared and well-versed in the lingo.

It's kind of comical because this all started happening just as I was beginning to feel completely confident as a mother, totally in control and feeling like I had it aaaaaaaall together. Like I could stop reading because obviously I know everything there is to know about babies.

Boy, he fooled me.

I need to stop flying by the seat of my pants and start reading up again.

What's in a (blog) name?

Would a blog by any other name smell as sweet?  (Shakespeare)
As fair art thou, my bonnie blog (Burns)
Does it stink like rotten blog? (Hughes)
Whosever blog this is should be ashamed! (Silverstein)
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar! (Silverstein)
I guess I will blog on. (Hughes)

Choosing a blog name is tough! I don't like "Jessica's Musings" and I haven't really liked any of the previous 75 I've had...what to do, what to do...What's the connective thread  in my life that represents who I am? Any suggestions? Who knew choosing a name would be so, so tough...

Suffering from post-eating depression

Olive Garden, why do I allow you to do this to me time and time again? I don't know why I always run back to you, tummy growling with desire even though I know the (calorie) high never lasts.

It starts with the bread-oh, that warm, salty bread. One bite and I can't help but consume every last morsel.

I always move too fast with you, ordering impulsively and throwing caution to the wind. Calamari? Yes, please. Salad, of course! And don't forget the extra parmesan. Trying to take advantage of every second I can spend with you, oh my delicious Olive Garden.

By the time my main dish comes out, I am already beginning to feel the regret. How could I have been such a fool? Sick with glutton, I take a few nibbles and oohh, I just can't resist. I desperately begin to devour the buttery noodles into my mouth. But no, take a breath. Savor the last few bites...the end is near.

As always, we have a few minutes together and then you send me away feeling sick and overwhelmed with guilt. Why oh why did I need those last few bites?

It's been two hours since our rendezvous and I can't get you out of my mind. How you managed to mask those 243 million calories by your lovely scent and rich flavor, I'll never know...

How will I ever recover from the kcals and fat grams? I'll carry those around with me forever; oh how you've smothered my body with your lardaceous touch!

To recover from this traumatic and shameful affair, I suppose I'll have to drown my sorrows with Ben and Jerry. They always know how to cheer me up.

Fill in the Blank FRIDAY

This is a segment taken from the little things we do

Enjoy!

1.   The first thing I do in the morning to start my day is: roll over and hit the snooze at least 3 times. Then check my Blackberry for emails, Facebook, etc.

2.  Today I wish I way : enjoying another Jewish holiday aka-taking advantage of not being Jewish and having a lazy day off.

3.  If I had an extra $100 in my bank account today I'd: either buy myself a new watch, pair of jeans or new boots from Macy's. I've  been salivating over their Columbus sale items all week...

4.  Tomorrow: I will be enjoying the company of my hubs and baby boo, entertaining friends at our home, bbq'ing, going to the costume store and coming up with some sort of tasty dinner.

5.  Two things that don't go together are: uggs and minis. It's just weird.

6.  Something I can never pass up at the grocery store is: trashy mags and a cold, bottled diet coke from the little refrigerators.

7.  The last time I tried something new was: this week; I worked at a different office and the best part about it-the peace and quiet. No last minute "I need this now's" or "I need this ten minutes ago's..." Just silence...ahhh...

Musing of the day: Is it weird that...

-I have no idea what I want to do with my life still, at 24 years old?

-I'm contemplating the idea of starting an annual or bi-annual newsletter for my high school graduating class (Before you judge me, I was class president! It's my job to be all chipper, go class of '04, let's all connect)?

-Even though we have finally gotten settled and comfortable in a house we love, in a neighborhood we love, I still want to move out of California? This is all Shannon's fault because she keeps talking about her desire for these mysterious color-changing leaves that nobody in Southern California knows anything about...

-I've been blogging regularly!? Whoa!

-I can't help myself-I want a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks everyday? Whatever you do, don't try the Coffee Bean Pumpkin latte, BLEH!

-I really want to throw a holiday party?

-I would rather be staying home with Gabriel right now and going to school more time, even though I was so ready to go back to work in January? I think I have realized how lucky I was...

-I'm bummed-mad at my husband because he stayed the night in El Centro last night and he didn't call us to say goodnight, he "left" his phone in his hotel room while he was out partying until 1am? Gabriel stayed up until 9 with me because I was hoping to talk to him!

-I'm counting down the hours to go home because I love walking into my house when the wafting smell of stew in the slow cooker is there to greet me?

Have a weird day!

A lesson in husbandry, and no I don't mean the animals

Marriage is tough. I love it, but it's tough. What's even harder is having a baby, both working full time jobs, both taking classes, and still finding time to converse between shouts to the toddler that "that's hot, oweee" and "eww, that's yucky, don't touch!"

But really, men. Really? Raise your hand if you think it's effective to yell, bark, scream orders to your wife because you're tired/hungry/stressed/being an asshole. Husband, put your hand down.

I wouldn't call myself a disobedient wife. I truly love to serve my husband the way I believe a wife should; I like to have dinner ready for him when he gets home on the chance that I have a day off, I regularly check to make sure he's not wearing stained or dirty pants, and I'm sort of type A when it comes to keeping the living room, kitchen and front room clean (to hell with the back rooms, I'm not superwoman!). I balance our very unbalanced budget. I am almost the sole caretaker of our child as I make sure he's fed, clean, wiped, played with, rested...you name it, I do it. I pack Adrian's lunches. Make sure he's awake and out of bed for work.

 If I decide ONE day, that I'm going to have dinner with my parents and not go straight home while he's at school, I think I'm entitled to it. If I don't answer his fourth call within ten minutes, so sue me. If I call him back and he's mad for some unapparent reason and hangs up on me, not my problem. If I don't bring him dinner home because I assumed he went to class and was planning on cooking him dinner but really he skipped class and has been sitting on his ass waiting for me to come home and he's still starving, he's an idiot.

But if he thinks that he can take his stress out on me, try to make me feel like his work problems are mine because he has to go to El Centro at 2:30am (which really didn't happen until 5:30am) since I wasn't at the house to get something for some guy who stopped by, tell me that I'm really fucking pissing him off right now, AND THEN TELL ME TO GET MY ASS IN THE KITCHEN, he has another thing comin'.


This wife doesn't play that game.


To defend him just a very, VERY tiny bit, I think he was trying on his big boy pants by telling me to get my ass in the kitchen. He's never said those words to me and hopefully if he wants to keep me and his balls intact, he'll never say it again. Needless to say, that tough guy thing really doesn't do it for me. I laughed in his face, told him no, and that if he wanted even a bowl of cereal from my kitchen, he had some major apologizing and sweet talking to do. As always, he and his pride slunk off into the bedroom without a peep, trying to rest up for his 2:30am appointment with the 8 east freeway.

You can bet at 5:00am when I woke his ass up after sleeping through his alarm he was reaaaaaaaaal grateful.

The friend deficit

(Jessica + Adrian) + 1 baby + (Jessica's friends + Adrian's friends) - x(those without children) - x(people we would never hang out with) =...?

Can anyone figure out the answer?

I know it's quite complicated, but I'll give you a hint: It's less than 10. Probably less than 5. Pathetic, right?

We're getting a little desperate. We absolutely adore our friends who don't have children and enjoy hanging out with them regularly, but we feel like we're missing an important component to parenthood: other parent friends that live in the area. I have a few friends that are moms whom I keep in touch with regularly who live farther away, but it's not the same when you can't schedule a playdate.

So, in an effort to seek out parent-friends, Adrian and I are putting our heads together and evaluating all of the people we know. Nice? Check. Kids? Check. Could see ourselves having longer than a two minute conversation with them? Check. Young-ish? Check.

I messaged a friend from elementary school. Adrian is going to chat with a friend from work who he knows has children. Seriously, we need a website just for parents to network! Hello Facebook, help a sister out! We are getting so desperate, we have (humiliatingly) even thrown around the idea of posting an ad on Craigslist. Instead of platonic, can't we create a section called fam4fam?

We were planning on going to the Julian Apple Festival yesterday but it's no fun going alone...so we stayed home. And ate. And cleaned. And did boring stuff because we were depressed. Not like suicide-watch-depressed, but feeling a little cloudy and gray.

If you, fellow 3 followers (plus Erin, because I know you stalk my blog), think of anyone, please send them my In-Order-To-Be-Our-Friend application. Or send them to my website: www.familiesneedfriendstoo.com/we'restillfundeventhoughwehaveachild.

A few things that are making me happy today:

This weather...

To be out with the old...

 

 ...and in with the new! (Big boy chair, yay!)

This incredibly adorable child...

With his sticky strawberry cheeks...

 The fact that he loves his big boy chair...

$149.68 worth of yummy groceries from Henry's; my goal was to stay under $150.00. I win.

 It's 24 hours away from October!

What are you loving today?

It's hot, hot, hot!

We had the air on all last night. This morning, I got dressed in my pants and long sleeve light sweater. It looked like there was a slight breeze in the air when I peeked outside the double doors from my room so I figured it would be perfect. When I stepped outside, the heat was so oppressive, it took all of my willpower to not step back inside, shut the door and turn the air up.

I'm ready for brisk, crisp fall weather. Bundling up with hot chocolate at football games. Making butternut squash soup. Putting up Halloween decorations. Rubbing cold hands together in front of a warm fire. Listening to the rain in bed. The smell of homemade apple pie baking in the oven. Wearing a coat and using an umbrella and wearing mittens.

I miss it all. I'm ready for it.

This was Gabriel last year...
...I can't wait for his Elmo costume this year!

I want to do this

http://www.daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

I am lucky

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am lucky. I am so lucky that I have a toddler who, at this moment, is in his play corner crashing and banging tons of noise-making toys.

I am so very lucky that I work for a company, aside from many quirks, gives Jewish holidays paid time off, even if I'm not Jewish.

I am so lucky, my husband is in El Centro, in the hot, hot heat, working so that we can have the life and house that we have. I'm a very lucky lady.

I have to remind myself this because there are days like last week where I was distracted and unsure. I kept thinking how urgent it is for me to figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, how I'm going to stay home with my baby...

I still think about those things, especially on days like today; I woke up at 7, opened Gabriel's door and heard him say "Mommy!" We ate together, he napped, I cleaned. Two days in a row, I've been able to make my husband dinner without rushing around.

I love days like today.

I am very lucky.

Destined for something more

Have you ever suddenly been jerked to reality and realized you are somewhere you never thought you'd be? Every day for the past month I have had this recurring thought, this jolting awareness, that I have not come close to meeting my full potential in life. Growing up, I believe in being the best, pushing myself to the limits, always moving forward and refusing to be stagnant. I got into Pepperdine and for some reason, I lost that motivation. I let myself fall and allowed myself to believe that mediocrity was not necessarily a terrible thing...

And here I sit, a little over two years post-graduation and I've done nothing. I work for an organization that, at first glance, is great with its full benefits and generous vacation packages. But take a second glance and what you'll see is an office so bound by a neurotic, stiff work environment and employees so terrified of making a mistake that they have no problem letting others be their scapegoat. I'm grateful to be working, to have a polite, sweet supervisor, but I'm exhausted from feeling on edge, waiting for my next criticism or complaint. Every day I feel like I'm wasting away my mind.

I miss school. I miss my brain functioning at a higher capacity than it currently flat lines at. I miss feeling like I was working towards a career that would not only support my family well, but also would make me feel like I made a difference in the world. But worthwhile isn't enough either. I want to be someone who receives respect from my accomplishments. I know that sounds a little narcissistic, but I want to work for those accomplishments. I know I'm much smarter than my GPA from Pepperdine represents and sadly, I feel like that defines my next direction.

So the question is, where's my niche? Where do I fit in in this world? I don't really know which direction to go. I am currently taking a Biology class in order to start fulfilling the pre-req's for nursing school and who knows, maybe med school. I love science and when I apply myself (unlike in college), I'm actually decent at it. But, if I go down this path and really get to where I could possibly get into medical school, I can't help but consider all of the things I would be giving up. I would give up being at home with my baby (or eventually, babies) every night. I would give up cooking and eating dinner with my family. I put off having children or squeeze it all in now. I lose my social life and would have to learn to sustain my family on Adrian's salary alone. I've also thought regularly about teaching. I'd love to teach either Biology or English, but with a degree in Psychology, I'd have to teach lower grades, something I have never been able to envision myself doing.

As you can see, I've created quite the pickle for myself. In the interim and hopefully in the next 4-5 months, I'd love for us to be able to pay off our credit cards, part of one of the cars, and a few other things so that I can stay at home with Gabriel and possibly try for another. I suppose these next few months should include a whole 'lotta soul searching...

What are you doing to meet your potential?

I've been busy...

I've officially been sucked in to the chaos of life...

Since my last blog post, we've gone to Laughlin and Flagstaff (and then Laughlin again), both have started class(es), my in-laws have been in town, my brother was declared cancer-free, my brother was re-declared to have cancer, my sister left for college, gained 5 pounds, lost a few more, and Gabriel has said a million new words...among other things.

As you can see, August was an interesting month. One of the most significant of all these happenings was my brother. I haven't really posted anything on here about him and I'm not really sure why. Partly, it has felt pretty surreal and partly because I was already talking about so much to everyone I saw, I didn't feel like word-vomitting it into the blogosphere. So I suppose, here's the short version if you're at all interested...

Anthony was diagnosed in early January with Hodgkins Lymphona. Cancer is such a scary word and everyone, as you can imagine, was in hysterics and disbelief. We depressingly all went out to dinner the night we found out, puffy-eyed and some still occasionally weeping. My mom and dad called Mikey to let him know what we had found out and he was a surprising source of strength I think for Anthony. The medical staff was extremely proactive in getting Anthony into treatment, so he began cycles of chemotherapy almost immediately. Luckily, Mountain Empire was very flexible with him in allowing a certain schedule so although he was missing every 3rd week of school, he was still doing work and somewhat keeping up. Next came radiation, which occurred everyday for about six weeks.

I knew my brother was sick, I had heard the results of his tests and been to the hospital while he was in treatment but it really didn't hit me until towards the end of chemo that he was sick. Up to that point, he had thrown up, been a little more tired and lost his hair but he still seemed to be holding up just fine. It must have been in April because my family was planning to take my sister to Flagstaff to check out NAU. Anthony had just finished a treatment and for some reason I was at Nana's that particular day. My dad had whispered to me that Ant had been having a hard time keeping his balance and at one point had even fallen to the ground. He had a hard time remembering where he was; he was completely bald and without a trace of facial hair; he was so tired that he went straight to the couch and fell asleep. It was sad.

When he finished chemotherapy and started radiation, there was an immediate change in his demeanor and physical appearance. In fact, if you see my brother now, two months removed from his last radiation treatment, you would never know that he had gone through such a traumatic experience. He has a full head of hair and his usual thick, Bert-like eyebrows (he knows it, hah!). He looks amazing and is playing football this season...at least until September 15th. Last Tuesday, the day we were leaving to take my sister to Flagstaff, his doctors met with him and my parents to let them know that there are still traces of the cancerous cells in his neck. Granted, it is no where near what it was before as it was down through his chest and belly, but it still was shocking as we had all been absolutely convinced that this was the end of our family's little nightmare.

The doctors will be re-evaluating his situation on the 15th by running myriad tests and blood work and all of that other not-exciting stuff. We all know God works miracles and the doctors told us to have hope that the cancer could potentially disappear by then because there are still traces of radiation bouncing around his body trying to kill off those cells. Please say a prayer, send good vibes, throw up some good thoughts for him. When I asked him if he was ready for school to start this year, he told me yes, because he was looking forward to having a normal year. He said, "Jess, seriously, what kid gets cancer their freshman year of high school? I'm so over this!" Personally, I know someone close to all of our MEHS C/O 2004 hearts who did, but that's a whole separate post....Anyway, keep him in your thoughts!

Small step for American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, one giant step for Jessica

Most of you know that when I was pregnant with Gabriel, I had a strict agenda. I thought that because I had a plan, everything would go my way and my way was going to be a natural, vaginal birth. I read all the books and everything said that if you let one intervention in, you better throw that "natural" birth to the wayside because cesarean, here you come! Epidural babies come out tired and lethargic, the chemicals are bad for them, etc, etc, etc...this is why I had a plan. No drugs, no interventions, energetic, non-chemical'd newborn. And then real labor set it. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but when I started having gut-wrenching contractions at 2am, I took it in stride. I, of course, left the room so as not to wake up my snoring husband boyfriend, put on my iPod and got ready for the real deal.

Fast forward 18 hours and you have me writhing in pain at the hospital, enduring 30 seconds-1 minute apart contractions and promising my firstborn to whoever would end my pain. Another two hours go by and I've thrown caution and the chemical concerns to the wind while I lay comfortably with a huge tube in my spine and a pitocin drip (another no-no in my previously "natural" birth plan). When it was time for the grand finale, nothing. Or I guess you could say something: doctors and nurses rushing here and there, flipping me from side to side, back to front. Finally, after trying to get things going for a few minutes, the doctor informed me that my precious little chemical-infused child has the cord wrapped around his neck and our only option was an emergency cesarean.

Lets fast forward once more to my 6-week post-natal appointment with Dr. Torres. I was already thinking ahead like the true planner/control-freak that I am to my next child (who, for your information, is not in any sort of short term plan for us, at least at this moment in time) and this infamous VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) that I have heard so much about. His immediate response, "No." "But, but..." I stammer. "I know Xamount of people who have done it and why not and I know it's possible and..." He gave scary concerns such as uterine rupture and bleeding out as his primary reasons for ruling it out. He said that all of Ventura County had stopped performing them because supposedly the risks outweighed the benefits and ruptures were happening far too often (if my memory serves me correctly, it occurs in less than 1% of all VBACs).

Needless to say, I felt cheated. Kind of like a failure, too. Like if I hadn't had that epidural, everything would have progressed like it was supposed to and the cord wouldn't have been wrapped around his neck and my plan would have worked. I come from the belief that giving birth (and breastfeeding!!!) is what a woman, no matter if you choose to have children or not, was born to do. Our bodies were made for this and as such, can handle the pain of childbirth. I felt like because I had doubted my ability to handle the pain, I was sort of being punished. Anyway, I attempted to justify it by saying that I would never have to worry about roast beef vagina (sorry for the disgusting visual!), rips, and all the other shitty parts that come with having a normal, everyday delivery. I really tried to make myself feel better about this whole situation, but I've never been able to find total peace with it. I loved the feeling that my body knew what to do in order to bring my son into the world. Birth is, in all of its bloody glory, a beautiful thing. To know that I would never experience contractions, labor, the anxious, nervous anticipation of it all, that was tough.

I'm sure you can imagine my excitement when I read this. Essentially, it says that women like me who had a relatively normal labor and ended up with a cesarean for emergency reasons very well may be a candidate again for a VBAC. Research has been conducted and now they believe that for some of us, the benefits do outweigh the risks. That for me, I get a chance to have a re-do. Hopefully. It will still be case-by-case and the fact that I had an extra tear in my uterus certainly isn't in my favor, but I will beg, plead, and probably promise my second-born to whoever will help. Not that I'm having any more anytime soon. And I definitely don't have baby on the brain, can't you tell?

Happy Birthday, brother

Brother, it has been 14 months since I've seen your face. I'm sure Japan is nice, but I'm ready for you to come home now. I'm counting down the days until you get off that plane in December. I want you to know that I am proud of you. Proud of how far you've come and proud of where you're going. You have become a responsible, albeit cooky, respectful, strong young man. I love you, happy 20th birthday. May this year bring you blessings.

"Ballas on a budget" as my husband would say

Minus the fact that ballas we are not, a budget we are on. We've decided to go the typical route--less eating out, less splurging on nothing-specials, and more budget spreadsheets and crunching numbers. We've opened a second checking account so that we can pay our bills out of one and take care of gas, food, and other variable expenses from another. We've also set up an automatic withdrawal to our savings...hopefully all these things will help us to pay off our credit cards so that we can buy some new furniture and someday maybe get a full time nanny for Gabriel. 

Now, I love finding great budget-friendly knick-knacks and this weekend was no exception. It started with a trip to Henry's Market, which has become my new favorite grocery store. I have been wanting to go organic and local for a while and Henry's is perfect for that. The previous week, I took a trip to Fresh and Easy, whose promise is to provide lower prices by keeping their operating costs low. I liked the mission so I decided to shop there; true, their prices were low and I was sufficiently pleased with my purchases. However, not just a few days later, after planning a menu including the asparagus I had just purchased, I opened the fridge to find that they had a slightly fishy stink and were already quite slimy. I decided to try Henry's next, as they have a similar promise, to bring you locally grown, natural, sometimes- depending on the product-organic foods. I fell in love with store! They let you buy all sorts of things in bulk like pretzels, flour, sugar, granola, etc. There are fresh fruits and vegetables galore and plenty of fresh, organic, low-cost meats and cheeses. It's like a little slice of heaven in there. Adrian and I walked out with about 10 grocery bags full of food, 4 bottles of wine, and a 6 pack of beer for the low price of $135.48. I would say it was quite the success!

On Saturday morning, Adrian and I decided to go garage-sale-ing and then to Ikea, another huge success. We found a large wine cabinet with a marble top, an ironing board, some books for Gabriel and other little things for about $300. Ikea was more expensive obviously, but we were able to find rods and curtains for all of the windows in our house, a cabinet to house our cable box and dvd player, and a large mirror for the living room. It was a great day although now my house is littered with tons of tools, empty boxes, and plastic wrappings from the work we've been putting in. Today will be dedicated to looooots of cleaning. Happy 5th of July!

Our first week and a day

We've been in our house now for 8 days. We love it. We're really, really, really happy. We have nothing on the walls and a few unpacked boxes, but it's already starting to feel like home. On Saturday, we'll be taking our first trip to Ikea and I've already scoped a few things out that I wouldn't mind investing in...

This past Saturday we took a gander around the Spring Valley swap meet and sadly to say, it was quite disappointing. Unlike Koby's, it was littered with trash, full of stolen tools, and most of the other items available were worthless. We did end up walking away with a new iron, gas can and blower. We did a little yardwork while Gabriel was sleeping and it was felt so good to take care of our own house!

I'll post pictures once the house starts coming together...

Peace!

Moving forward and moving out

I'll admit, I'm a little nervous. Tomorrow we start to function on our own again without the protective wings of our older, wiser family. We've done this before, I know we can do it again. But still, there's a little nervousness, anxiety if you will. When we were living in Ventura, we were throwing so many balls up in the area and hoping we'd be able to continue juggling them, however fast and messy it could become. We were wrong. Bills piled up, saved money dwindled down, and soon we Adrian was jobless. You know in movies when someone is falling down some huge gaping crevice in the ground and even after they're gone, you can still hear the echoing of the scream? That's a little how it feels. I know those days where we literally had nothing-not a cent to our name-are done and gone, the crying and the yelling and the stress is still a whisper in the back of my mind. I know we're fine. I know we're capable. We've gotten smarter with money and in life and yes, we learned a lot from it. However, I never, NEVER want to get back to that place again, where I wouldn't even look at phone calls before I would push "end" (bill collectors) and voicemails would pile up to 24 within days (more bill collectors). 

Anyway, enough. We are as ready as we'll ever be and prepared to take on the world.  We can't hide behind family and live with doubt anymore. I'm looking forward to a new beginning.

 

Day 3 (or whatever day I want it to be!) - List the five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.

I wouldn't consider myself one of those people whose lives revolve around music. Yes, there are songs that speak directly to my heart and I've included them on this list, but I don't know that it's the music that moves me from day to day. However, sometimes there's just that perfect song from that perfect day and hearing it can take me back. That's what all of these songs are for me.

1. The Joker by Steve Miller Band: This is my ultimate, favorite happy place song. It gives me that tingly, light feeling of days past, the ease of sunny days in Malibu and the freedom of summer.

2. Mr. Brightside by The Killers: All I can say is B and Vegas. This is another one of those happy place songs for me.

3. Hard Sun covered by Eddie Vedder: His voice is like sweetness to my soul. The only song I had ever heard by Pearl Jam was The Kiss, of course a beautiful song, but I never thought I would like their other music. Turns out I do! They just so happen to be Adrian's favorite band and he has opened up a whole new musical world for me.

4. Anything on the Garth Brooks No Fences album: It reminds me of my childhood, driving in my mom's van and screaming the lyrics to Friends in Low Places, which in turn reminds me of one of the perfect moments at our wedding reception where everyone was on the dance floor swaying to the music and belting out the words. It was amazing.

5. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley: Probably one of the greatest artists of all time and his entire Legend album could be on this list. Could You Be Loved, I Shot the Sheriff, One Love, Stir it Up, Jammin'...the list goes on...

I want to be the next food network star!

...just kidding! Although I love that show and I'm watching it right now. FN is definitely one of my favorite channels...I get so inspired every time I watch it!  Now I just want my own kitchen to cook in. Today for dinner we had--get ready for it--mac and cheese and hot dogs. Pathetic, right? After making that tonight, I realized how much I have regressed in my food preparation over the past six months. I used to not know how to cook; boiling pasta was the extent of my abilities. And then we moved into our condo and I had a baby and wanted to be all "housewife-y" and had time to watch Food Network all day while I had a nursing newborn acting as an additional limb of my body. I started experimenting with food, boiling, baking, frying, stewing, slow cooking, and sauteeing. I found that cooking brought me a lot of joy and relaxation, and I especially felt satisfaction in knowing that I would be able to put a home-cooked meal on the table for my working man. 

I made braised short ribs (with gnocci, my favorite recipe!)...

 And fresh, homemade lemon bars...

And lots of fresh salads...

I loved experimenting with new spices and foods once I started to understand how different flavors worked together. All of that cooking I was doing counteracted all of that breastfeeding I was doing, but it was so worth it! We ate some really yummy food. Moving forward I'd like to get inspired by magazines such as Cooking Light and some of the Weight Watchers recipes. I'd really like to start building a recipe box to save some of the more successful recipes I've made and to have something to hand down to my own kids someday, Velveeta and hot dogs not included! Anyway, when we move into our house the next two weeks, look forward to some successful and not-so-successful cooking stories :)

Blog FAIL.

As you can see, I'm obviously not very good at following through my commitments, especially those of the blogging kind... It isn't that I don't want to blog every day or that I can't find the time/opportunity to; I'm a little shy when it comes to my writing and when my husband is laying next to me, peering over my shoulder, I just can't spit anything out. I may still follow that blog project a little because I think the topics are interesting and inspiring! My favorite blog-time is Saturday morning around 9am--Gabriel is asleep and the husby is sleeping in (I get Sundays, he takes Saturdays). It's peaceful, quiet, and I can sip on my coffee while coming up with something mildly creative to share.

Maybe I'll just use the excuse that we've been way too busy for me to squeeze in some blogging. We were in Camarillo last weekend checking up on our tenants/giving them the boot. Thank the high heavens we will no longer have to support their family. It'll be weird to start living with an extra chunk of money in our pockets! We still have to find tenants, but based on the response we received when we posted it, I don't think that will be a problem. We were lucky to spend some time with a few of Adrian's sisters and their families, swimming, dinner, relaxing and menudo...needless to say, I came back about 3lbs heavier! We decided to come back Sunday, enjoyed a leisurely drive, stopping at Pizza Port in San Clemente, and then hung out with my family on Monday. We laid by the pool, drank some champagne, and toasted my brother, Mikey, and the sacrifice he has made to serve our country. All in all, a very nice, albeit tiring, weekend.

We have a new "move-in" date; I like to think of this day as more of a fluid concept...with escrow, you never really know when you'll be done and we're waiting on someone else's escrow, making it even HARDER to be patient! Currently, we're slated to move in June 19th, the weekend of my sister's graduation party of course! This month and next are going to be so busy! We have my sister's graduation, the party, the Relay for Life (DONATE!!!!!!), a bbq/event with Adrian's work, a family reunion, a possible trip to Laughlin, my birthday, Father's Day, my brother and sister's birthdays...and the list goes on and on and on....

Lastly, Gabriel brings such energy and love to our lives. I was talking to my bff from college (who I miss more than words can express and love our convos every now and then) about how I never imagined what mushy-gushiness a child would create within me. In college, after thinking my love life was officially over, I lost most of my ability to have emotion. Crying was less than a rare occurrence. But now, I find myself tearing up over a smile, a thought, a dream, a giggle--essentially anything that reminds me of just how precious that little boy is to me. He is learning so many new things, and coincidentally learning many ways to act out. But of course, as a mother who believes (already!) her child can do no wrong, I accredit it to the two canines bursting savagely through his gums and the fact that just maybe he is having tummy issues. Regardless, his signing is improving as is his vocabulary. He's walking. He runs to his daddy after a long day away from him. He hates meat but loves fruits and veggies. he loves to chew on his blankies and abhors having his diaper changed. He is growing up so quickly, I just can't keep up!

Day 2 - Post something that inspires you...

To live content with small means;
To seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion;
To be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich;
To study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;
To listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart;
To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never.
In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common.

This is to be my symphony.
-William Henry Channing

A mini-journey

In an effort to blog a bit more often, I have taken on a 30-day blog project. My hope is for it to be introspective, inspiring, and fun. Feel free to join in the fun!


Day 1 - Describe your guilty pleasure...
This is a toughy because I feel like this list could become never-ending, but for the sake of the challenge, let me begin...

• Blog-reading--I love me some good blogs. I love finding new blogs. I love blogs about finance and about home decor and about the mom who believes you can still be sexy when you have kids and my friends Shan, Ju, and Kaeli (though I have to admit, I wish they blogged more because I love reading about their lives [=)...you get the picture; I love blogs.
• Craigslist surfing for whatever I'm desiring in any given day. As of late, it's been sectionals, antique tables, and quirky lamps. Obv I'm anxious to move into my house and start creating a "home."
• The candy bowl at work--there are some days where I can resist but other days, I'm 4 mini-bars deep by 9am. Not exactly diet-friendly, but such is life...
• Trashy TV and shows on A&E such as Hoarders, Intervention, etc. and along the same vein, trashy mags
• A glass of hearty red wine or an ice cold Fat Tire
• Chick lit--gotta love the Shopaholic Series, the Twilight series, Janet Evanovich and Jane Green books, and anything else to do with Hollywood, New York, or debutantes
• Taking way too many pictures of Gabriel. That child is so adorable and I can't help but record every single little memory
• Listening to Rock 105.3's The Show every morning
• Sushi dates with my husband
• Engaging in Lakers talk with anyone who will listen
• Target shopping, I could live there. Seriously.

That's my list and I'm sticking to it!

Don't let your whole life pass you by, weep not for the memories...

You are missed every day. 

May 19, 2004

Dreamin'

This morning, I decided that if my husband was able to make up the difference of my salary and benefits, I would LOVE to go back to staying at home,playing with Gabriel, cooking dinner for Adrian, blogging, washing,cooking, and cleaning. I think knowing that we'll be back in our house is making me miss all of that stuff and I'm crossing my fingers that by the time we decide to have a second child, we will be able to afford that again. Damn money, why is it so necessary? I wish we could all go back to the barter system, haha. I love my job, but sometimes I just want to stay home and cuddle with my little muffin baby toddler.

I'll admit, I haven't really wanted to blog. There are so many exciting things going on that I a) didn't want to jinx them, and b) have not had time!

First and foremost, we have a house. Not an overpriced condo or a tiny apartment, a house! We had pretty much given up on the idea of getting a house and were literally writing out a check for a condo in North Park when Adrian's boss offered his 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom place in Santee. We were really hoping to move a little more west but I have to say, I'm pretty happy that we decided to stay closer to family. And we'll have a yard. And a washer/dryer. And a neighborhood! To say I'm counting down the days would be an understatement. I'm looking forward to having a place to really start our lives in, to have our son and maybe future children grow up in...Oh, and it's lease-to-own! We won't just be renting, we'll be owning shortly!

Secondly, we just got back from an incredibly relaxing and sunny vacation in Mexico. It was much needed and we were able to spend some quality time together. Unfortunately, Adrian got sick halfway through our second day, but I was able to get through two and a half books, something I haven't had the focus to do at home. We laid on the beach, drank a few cervezas, leisurely ate lunches and dinners in the small town, and read through a few magazines. It was great--but, I missed Gabriel a lot. I came back to a wild, cranky, crazy little boy. I think he's trying to tell me never to leave him again, or else he'll continue to lash out at me through horribly embarrassing temper tantrums. Regardless, it was worth it. I got a tan and enjoyed my husband.

Lastly, and still related to Gabriel, he is WALKING! And climbing and playing and giggling and talking and becoming such a little boy. I love this new stage, but it definitely makes me a little nostalgic for the past. Last week I flipped through a few of the pictures from when he was just a newborn and I couldn't help but think of those first few tough, emotional, exciting days. Days when waking at all hours of the night was normal. Days where naps were mandatory in order to be functional. Days where he would lay in my arms for hours and I would just stare at him all day long. I miss those days, but I look forward to the future with my sweet little child.

Bite your tongue!

I don't particularly like to get on my soap box often, but I just feel like it today. I wouldn't say that I am extremely knowledgeable about the goings-on of the world. I read the newspaper and dabble around the internet a bit, but what I hear is generally from the news and The Show on Rock 105.3 (yes, I do get my news from a radio show, so sue me!). In terms of politics, my bra-burning, free-loving liberal self has seemed to die off a bit since college, although I will say I would never, and I mean never associate with the right wrong side of the party spectrum. Currently, I sit rather comfortably a little to the left of the fence, picking and choosing my battles as they come. I still think same-sex couples should get married and I ride the fence on the abortion issue, but some issues just plain and simply sit in the gray areas of my moral/ethical/practical compass. One issue that does not fall into that area for me is this immigration business we keep hearing about in the news. Below is a quote that has been circulating Facebook:

 "JUST SO I UNDERSTAND THIS. YOU PASS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YRS. HARD LABOR, YOU PASS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT. YOU PASS THE AMERICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, DRIVER'S LICENSE, ALLOWANCE FOR A PLACE TO LIVE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS SPENT SO YOU CAN READ A ......DOCUMENT. WE CARRY PASSPORTS IN OTHER COUNTRIES OR FACE JAIL TIME. REPOST THIS IF YOU AGREE!"

Now, can I just say I take real issue with this shiz. First of all, why the eff are we comparing the UNITED STATES to North Korea and Afghanistan?  Countries that have continually proven not only to produce acts of terrorism, but have been outspoken about their hatred and disgust with the United States? Countries that would take us out if given just one brief moment? Moving past that whole issue, it's a widely known fact that our immigration process has many faults. It's almost impossible to get through the system unscathed and in time to see your child graduate high school. It can take years and years and years, time that many people don't have. I understand that we should all follow the rules but if you have a family living in Mexico on next to nothing and the only hope for survival is for a family member to risk their lives sneaking into our country to send money back, those rules may not seem so necessary. The fact that Arizona has granted the law enforcement to pick and choose who they "search on reasonable suspicion" utters RACIAL PROFILING. Ask the darker-skinned, middle-eastern looking American citizen  trying to get on an airplane how that feels, I can imagine it stings a bit. Or ask my dad, a legal citizen and resident of a small town near the border of Mexico in San Diego how it feels to be stopped every day by Border Patrol on his way to work because he looks like he could possibly-maybe-most likely not be an illegal immigrant. Then magnify that by the egos and machismo new attitudes of the law enforcement who are now have this enormous amount of control and power. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 Many of these citizens, illegals, are hard-working men and women doing the work that our own Americans will not do. They are mothers and fathers, brother, sisters, daughters, cousins, friends...They are people and deserve a slice American pie just as much, if not more, than some of our own people. How about instead, we crack down on the men and women on welfare who we pay for out of our own pockets everyday so they can freeload off of our system. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a welfare system--we have to take care of our people when they're down and out (shit happens!)--but the law and requirements could be more stringent, or maybe include some follow up/house visits, etc. We have a family friend who is an illegal immigrant and has lived here for over 20 years. She has never been on welfare, never used food stamps, has worked two or more jobs at a time to provide for her little girls. She's resourceful, smart, and has never once been late on her rent. This is the type of person that I am willing to pay into a system, to overpay taxes for. As for that previous quote, please people--don't be ignorant. Stay informed. And have a little bone of decency!

A little bit of life

We just got back from a lovely weekend in Camarillo. There was a plethora of friends (great friends!), family, food, and fun! I miss having friends like them around...

That's all. Life is stressful, but great! 

Here's a little glimpse into our lives...

Goal 3, check!

Previous weight: 156.4
Current weight: 154.6
Total amount lost: 10.4

Thank you, Lord, for showing me some pity on that scale! I really worked my butt of this week eating healthy and it paid off.

Goal 1 was 5 lbs, goal 2 was 5% (8.4lbs), goal 3 was 10lbs. My next goal is 10%, a total of 16lbs. I'm so close!

Now if I can make it through the weekend...

Happy Day, Earth!

 In honor of Earth Day and the cold, cleansing rain pouring down outside, I thought I'd take a moment to jot down a few beginnings I'm either looking forward to in the near future or wanting to initiate into my life.

First and foremost: the idea of moving is getting closer and closer! Now, if only I could get my renters to start paying rent, then we could we move out this weekend if we so decided.
    Sidenote: I never imagined being a landlord would be this ridiculous! Instead of receiving a check once a month without complaint or question, I'm constantly investigating and tracking down what new phone number the renters may have or leaving voicemails on the  one of twenty numbers I do have. What seemed like a breeze has turned into a hurricane.

This posting was not meant for complaints, so let me continue...

Secondly, I feel as if I'm am doing about -50 on a scale of 1-100 in my effort to help the environment. Now maybe this realization stems from the fact that there was a huge Earth Day Festival article in the Union Tribune a few days ago, or the fact that I've been reading a great book called The UnHealthy Truth, but I feel it's an important commitment to make not only to other human beings on our planet, but the plants, animals, water, etc...You get the picture. In my younger wanted-to-be-a-hippy-but-really-it-just-meant-wearing-a-tie-dye-shirt days, I thought it would be nice to do it just because it's trendy. But now, my feelings are slowly changing. I want to recycle, I want to eat and buy locally, I want to get involved in a local farmer's co-op. When we move out, get ready for an excuse, I plan to do so. I know, I know, why not now? Well it's a lot more difficult in our current living situation. But I promise! We will be making a concerted effort to do some of these things, and hopefully others as I continue to do research in the area.

To tie into my last paragraph, this book has made me aware (and still is, as I'm slowly getting through it) of the ever-rising number of children who are being diagnosed with food allergies, asthma, auto-immune diseases, and a whole slew of other things that are ravaging their bodies. This is one of my other reasons for wanting to switch to organically grown, little-to-no hormones, and reduce the amount of processed foods we eat. Of course, this will be much to the dismay of my son who currently chooses to live off of Goldfish and Gerber snacks, regardless of the tasty veggies I try to disguise as avocados.

Next, I really, really, really want to go back to school. It's funny because when I was attending Pepperdine, I kept telling anyone who would listen, "I am so jealous of you! You get to work and not take anything back home with you. No homework, no papers...I'm out of here as soon as I get that diploma!" I wouldn't say I miss homework or papers, but I do miss learning. I miss the random facts I would learn in Psychology and dissecting sheeps' brains in Biology. Most of all, I think I miss working towards a major goal. I'm not sure I'll do grad school, as I pretty much ruined that opportunity since I thought I'd never want to go. I'd love to go back and major in English, then continue to get my teaching credential. The appeal of a credential is so great because I would be able to spend summers with my little boy, as well as be off in the evenings to have dinner on the table! I know it would be a lot of work, raising a family, working, and going to school, but how many mothers, sometimes even single (!), have done it? I can count at least 5 or 6, my mother included, who have worked wonders while going to school. Even if I have to start back at Grossmont, it's worth a shot; I'm young and have time to kill.

Lastly, and again tied into some earlier stuff, I want to start living a healthier lifestyle. Because I'm so young, it's easy to use the excuse of age for not taking care of myself. I have to time to kill (literally!). But really, not really. I want my son to know that exercise, eating right, little TV, and sleep are all important components of living a complete and healthy lifestyle. The only thing I think Adrian and I have going is the sleep!

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day...I hope at least it passed some time for you at your desk!

Hawaii, house-hunting, and a slice of humble pie

Anthony has finally decided on a "wish." For those of you don't know, my brother was diagnosed in December with Hodgkins Lymphoma. Because of this, he has been given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be granted a wish by the Make a Wish Foundation. After much angst and deliberation, he has finally decided that he wants to take the family for a week long trip in Hawaii. He is able to take my parents and sister free of charge; if we go, they will set everything up but we hand over a check. 

At first, I was completely committed to making it happen; I even told Adrian that we would be there come hell or high water--meaning we would forgo moving out for a while in order to lay on those white beaches. Now, I'm kind of wishing I would have bitten my tongue. The days are flying by and we are no closer to being on our own again than I am to my goal weight (which obviously is far off...). I miss my clothes, my shoes, the comfort of my very own bed that are in storage; I miss my brand new pots and pans, the uncomfortable couch, and our older-than-dirt dresser.


In an effort to appease my family while still satisfying our desire to reunite with our belongings, we're going to take it day by day. Once the budget has been decided for the trip, we'll decide if we can afford it while living on our own. If we can, we can. If not, such is life. Both of us have been to Hawaii so I don't feel as bad!

On the house-hunt front, we're going to start hitting it hard. Ideally we'd like to be moving by mid-May; I think that's pretty reasonable and I have to admit, I'm counting down the days. Not that I don't appreciate the generosity we've been shown, but I am ready. The question is, where do we go? Do we stay in the country-but-not-too-country town of Alpine or settle in the hip, quirky neighborhoods of North Park? 

Adrian and I are extremely concerned with the long-term effects of staying in East County for Gabriel. I have seen firsthand, and Adrian is quickly seeing, what happens to young men that get trapped on the mountain. Not that this area does not produce functional human beings, as I am the result of 13 years in a community where the options we had were this or that: get high in the bushes or find a more constructive outlet. I refuse to take that chance with my son and future children. I love Alpine, and a few other places here in East County. However, the real tie we have that is physically keeping us here is daycare. As soon as that situation can be changed, we will be out of here. 


Aside from Craigslist searching and Priceline browsing, things have been quite uneventful. Adrian is away tonight in Calexico hopefully nailing jobs that will put a little love in our bank account. This past weekend we were overjoyed to visit with his best friend Jimmy who was taking the Police Academy test here in San Diego. We met up at the Wave House for drinks and a light lunch; it was so relaxing and fun! They have a man-made circulating wave where boarders can try their luck at various twists and flips within a certain time frame. While watching these bleached hair, sun kissed dare-devils, I was simultaneously feeding Gabriel; I muttered to Adrian, "Milk...," assuming he'd understand, I just wanted Gabriel's sippy. He emphasized a "Please." I realized my mistake; I have never intentionally, at least to my knowledge, disrespected my husband. Not when we were dating, nor into our marriage. I forget sometimes, get caught up in my role as a mother, that he is a man who deserves some attention, loving words, and a bit of kindness. 

As a wife, it's important to treat our husbands the same way we'd treat someone of great stature, with respect. I'd like to think I'm not the only one who makes the occasional oversight. I know I get caught up in the diapers, the cooking, the laundry...basically anything other than my husband. His comment was a needed, albeit a little frigid, reminder to start loving him a little more.