Destined for something more

Have you ever suddenly been jerked to reality and realized you are somewhere you never thought you'd be? Every day for the past month I have had this recurring thought, this jolting awareness, that I have not come close to meeting my full potential in life. Growing up, I believe in being the best, pushing myself to the limits, always moving forward and refusing to be stagnant. I got into Pepperdine and for some reason, I lost that motivation. I let myself fall and allowed myself to believe that mediocrity was not necessarily a terrible thing...

And here I sit, a little over two years post-graduation and I've done nothing. I work for an organization that, at first glance, is great with its full benefits and generous vacation packages. But take a second glance and what you'll see is an office so bound by a neurotic, stiff work environment and employees so terrified of making a mistake that they have no problem letting others be their scapegoat. I'm grateful to be working, to have a polite, sweet supervisor, but I'm exhausted from feeling on edge, waiting for my next criticism or complaint. Every day I feel like I'm wasting away my mind.

I miss school. I miss my brain functioning at a higher capacity than it currently flat lines at. I miss feeling like I was working towards a career that would not only support my family well, but also would make me feel like I made a difference in the world. But worthwhile isn't enough either. I want to be someone who receives respect from my accomplishments. I know that sounds a little narcissistic, but I want to work for those accomplishments. I know I'm much smarter than my GPA from Pepperdine represents and sadly, I feel like that defines my next direction.

So the question is, where's my niche? Where do I fit in in this world? I don't really know which direction to go. I am currently taking a Biology class in order to start fulfilling the pre-req's for nursing school and who knows, maybe med school. I love science and when I apply myself (unlike in college), I'm actually decent at it. But, if I go down this path and really get to where I could possibly get into medical school, I can't help but consider all of the things I would be giving up. I would give up being at home with my baby (or eventually, babies) every night. I would give up cooking and eating dinner with my family. I put off having children or squeeze it all in now. I lose my social life and would have to learn to sustain my family on Adrian's salary alone. I've also thought regularly about teaching. I'd love to teach either Biology or English, but with a degree in Psychology, I'd have to teach lower grades, something I have never been able to envision myself doing.

As you can see, I've created quite the pickle for myself. In the interim and hopefully in the next 4-5 months, I'd love for us to be able to pay off our credit cards, part of one of the cars, and a few other things so that I can stay at home with Gabriel and possibly try for another. I suppose these next few months should include a whole 'lotta soul searching...

What are you doing to meet your potential?