Full circle

This morning I woke up, put on my workout clothes, took Gabriel to school, came home and put Jonas down for a nap. I laced up my shoes, stepped on the treadmill and pushed "start." I had some country music bumping during my warm-up, but as soon as I transitioned into the running portion, I switched it to my favorite hip-hop playlist, "the funk."

In the middle of my workout, one of my favorite songs (I know, I'm lame for this), "I Got A Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas came on and instantly I was transported back six and a half months ago to the two weeks leading up to Jonas' birth. Everyday, I would put on my yoga pants, walking shoes and a sports bra during Gabriel's nap. I would step on the treadmill, listen to "I Got A Feeling," rub my belly and whisper to him I've got a feeling that tonight's going to be a good night. You see, I knew he would come early. I just knew.

I know it's super nerdy that this is the song that takes me back to those weeks, but it is. And as I ran on the treadmill this morning reflecting on our lives, considering a new business venture, mentally preparing for an upcoming move, I couldn't stop thinking about how our lives have really come full circle. Like our life together, the four of us, has found its rhythm, its beat.

For a long time, I felt like things just weren't adding up. Unhappy. Like I had lost my path or perhaps even had taken the wrong one. I questioned myself and my life. At first, I thought it was the transition from one to two children and having a newborn; after a few months, I realized this wasn't it. This transformed me into being ungrateful and bitter. It would dawn on me regularly: how can I feel bad like this with such beautiful kids and a loving husband? With a home and money to pay the bills. Food on the table and time for fun? I obviously suffered from a lot of guilt, too. The discontent was buried somewhere deep inside and I really couldn't figure out where it stemmed from.


Thankfully, my husband is full of grace and understanding. He's not perfect either, but you really do get in return what you give into the world.  After a major reality check, he told me I needed to decide where my head and heart would live in peace. There is no question that I love my family and  it was clear that I needed to change. Evolve. Grow into a better person.


This past month, I made the decision to be happy. You know that saying, fake it 'til you make it? It works and it only took days. I chose to laugh with Adrian and play. To really look at my kids and fall in love with them every day. I've made an effort to joke and talk with my husband, to not stress so much about the little things. I've been more considerate and grateful of the feelings of people around me.

I feel confident: about our life. Our choices. Our family. Our love. Our future.


I feel powerful. That I have the ability to change. To grow.


I feel happy again.