There is something that happens to women after they have their babies that I like to call baby amnesia, not to be confused with pregnancy brain (pb) or mama brain, which deal more with forgetting every day things like, where the hell I left my keys
for the 12th time (oh yeah, in my hand) or why in the world I walked into this room, because now I can't remember.
I would describe baby amnesia as the loss of a block of interrelated memories having to do with infants (read: all of the horrific details having to do with newborns/infants that make you swear you'll keep your legs closed so you never have to do this again).
Which leads me to...
The Top 7 Things I Wish Baby Amnesia Hadn't Blocked From My Memory So At Least I Could Be Prepared For This:
7.
Poop, pee and spit up have become fashion accessories - I'm just going to admit it. The other day, Jonas peed on my last clean pair of pants and for a second I thought, what else do I have to wear? And then I thought, eh, it's drying, you can't smell it, I'm good. Yes, I know it's disgusting. Do I care? No, because there are a million other moms in this world who I know have done it and will continue to do it.
6.
My room is no longer my own - You've heard of the family bed, right? You can just call our bedroom the "family room," because the takeover is complete. I was halfway prepared for this because Gabriel occasionally mistakes my room for his with all the crap he brings in to play with, but it has officially been taken to another level. You'd think with a five bedroom house, all of the stuff would be spread out but no...between the diapers, Gabriel's toys (and blow-up mattress because hello, sleep regression,
again), crib, clothes, dirty clothes, and the list goes on and on, we are drowning in baby.
5.
Breastfeeding still sucks - Don't get me wrong, I'm totally, completely pro-breastfeeding. Gabriel and I did it for a full year, and it was worth it because he's always been super healthy. BUT, it's not fun, it's intrusive, it's exhausting and it it makes my life feel like Groundhog Day, but instead of days it's every 3 hours. This one is even worse because I've had a harder time with Jonas than I did with Gabriel. I very vaguely remember telling myself that I wanted to wait at least five years before committing a year of my life to breastfeeding, there's that amnesia I was talking about...
4.
Just when you think they're asleep... - They aren't. They never are. It never fails, really. As soon as I've just gotten comfortable in bed for the night or I think that he's back in his bed after a nursing sesh in the middle of the night, the little pidgeon noises start. You know what I'm talking about, the little grunts that give you hope that he might perhaps drift back off into sleep, but no, they turn into those baby yells where he's saying "okay mom, I know you're watching this go down and you better get me or else...", which turn into full-blown newborn cries if you keep pretending that it's all a dream and he's really not crying.
This is when I bury my head in my pillow while curled up in the fetal position. *Also can be said for napping during the day
3.
Speaking of sleep, or the lack thereof, I hate 3am wake up calls - Gassy babies don't like to sleep. Neither do babies who have slept all day long. It rarely fails that between 3:00am and 3:30am, I will be awake. We're not talking awake for 15 minutes to nurse, we're talking awake until 5:00am praying to God and all the saints that this child will soon close his eyes and go to sleep. Because I know that at 7:00am, Gabriel will come in to tell me he's hungry and then it's all over. Of course I start inhaling coffee immediately (and then cue said gassy baby because of the caffeine, it's just a dirty cycle I tell ya).
2.
Alone time has officially disappeared - Showers and pooping alone do not exist in my world, unless my saint of a sister is home. That hair dye that has been sitting on my counter for the last two weeks? Forget about it. Maybe in six months when he's crawling up my leg, but at least I don't have to hold him for hours on end. Anytime said sister or husband leave the house, I beg for them to take Gabriel with them so that I might have time to brush my teeth or comb the 3-day old knots out of my hair.
1.
Even though I'm complaining now because it's hard and sometimes it sucks and at this point there isn't much I wouldn't do for an uninterrupted 6 hours of sleep, it's all worth it - I think the whole point of baby amnesia is that all of this stuff, in the grand scheme of things, is unmemorable. Take one whiff of a newborn and you'll uterus will be begging you for another. Well, maybe in a year it will be, because right now it's aaaaaaaaaaaall still fresh in my mind...
