Baby on the brain

Since having Gabriel, I've been known to get the itch. No, not that kind of itch, you sick-o; I get a little baby crazy. Until recently, I had been completely content with our one little bunny, but then one Facebook acquaintence friend got pregnant. And another. And then all of a sudden, it was like everyone who had been pregnant during, before or after me (with Gabriel) was now pregnant again.

Maybe I'm just noticing it now because we started trying again in November. Maybe it's because pregnancies go in cycles -- everyone who was having babies with me is now ready for the next one just like we are. All I know is that everywhere I turn, every Facebook profile I look at, I see ultrasounds, little newborn noses and toes, double-lined sticks and smiley faces. Married girls; unmarried girls; first, second and third children.

I know that I shouldn't be jealous, I should be happy for all of the women around me who are so fertile that their husbands could impregnate them from the next room. But I am - and I'm kind of sad, and kind of bitter, and a little unsure. I've been telling friends that it really doesn't matter and that it will happen when it's supposed to, trying to say it so many times that I convince myself. I've told Adrian "it'll happen when it's supposed to" and given it up to God and done all of the things that I'm supposed to do when you're trying to get pregnant and it doesn't happen right away. It still doesn't make me feel better.

Now, I realize that I'm jumping the gun a bit with this whole thing since technically we've only been trying for 3 months, not long in the grand scheme of things. 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year of trying and only about 20% on the first try.

I'm not sure if I've ever talked about fertility on this blog, but one of my biggest fears from before I had Gabriel was that I would try to prevent pregnancy my whole life and then when I really wanted to try, I would be unable to get pregnant. Even though I've had a child already, I'm still scared. The ability to get pregnant is one thing that I think women take for granted during the first quarter or so of their lives, at least I know I have. I've made plans for three, no two, or maybe four kids, who knows? But I've always assumed the number would be higher than one, never thinking that I might not actually possess the ability to carry this so-called plan out. Crazier things have happened.

Either way, I know that my plan will never turn out as I expect it to, whether good or bad. As much as I hate to use the cliche as a mantra, I just have to remember it will happen when it's supposed to (bleh!!).