On not giving up

I'm having a hard time transferring scrambled thoughts into words on a computer screen and I think the reason is because I'm trying to write about things I think you guys want to read versus what I'm actually thinking about on a regular basis.

I have pending posts on wanting more kids, silly things that have happened and some other random stuff, but I don't feel like writing about it so they basically suck. So today I'm just going to talk about what I want to, obnoxious or not. I don't want to get sick of blogging (like I have been) and end up giving it up because I'm not writing for ME.

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So here is the real me, at least for today.

Seriously, how much happier do I look today?

The picture on the left was taken 3.5 years ago. I was fat, depressed, and spent the entire morning crying because I had NOTHING to wear to my son's baptism. I settled for this outfit and seriously. Awful. I think I had a gym membership at the time but went all of 10 times? The picture on the left - Easter on Sunday. Happy, fit(ter), feeling great.

It is going to sound silly, maybe a little ridiculous and overly dramatic, but Crossfit has dramatically changed my outlook on a lot of things - mainly, myself. I've always given up at the gym; I'm that girl who gets a membership, goes three times a week for two, maybe three weeks and then all of a sudden...I vanish.

Does that sound familiar? I've paid so much money in gym memberships, it's plain ridiculous. That time I mentioned earlier, I got a gym membership at LA Fitness and used it 10 times, stopped going and continued paying for over a year. I have never felt strong, never felt like I was moving towards a goal, except maybe weight loss, but it never went very far.

When I started Crossfit, I didn't have high expectations, only a hope and a prayer that I could stay long enough to lose a few pounds. I was instantly hooked. I'm competitive by nature and the sport fuels me every time I step into the box.

Previously, if I went to the gym and felt unmotivated, it would affect my ability to get back to the gym for a workout. I felt bad about myself, powerless, weak. I gave up at the slightest challenge. Now, I get frustrated and pissed and motivated to get back in the gym to be better. To do better.

Last night I competed in the last week of the Crossfit Open - now, I'm in no way competing at the competitive level. At our box, each of the three levels (Level III being the highest) has an in-house competition. Up until this week, I was in sixth place out of 20 or 25 women - something I felt pretty good about. But last night...damn it. I could NOT do a chest-to-bar to save my life, even the mod (which was allowed at our level), I would come extremely close but just. couldn't. get. it.

Because of this, I was only given 15 reps out of the total 60+ that I completed. The frustrating part about it is that I saw other women at my level being awarded reps that were illegal (here comes the competitiveness...I'm a sore loser) so I know I'll be dropping down in rank. The old me might not have tried after realizing she couldn't do a C2B. She might have given up. She probably would not have made it a goal to be able to do a C2B.

The new me sets goals.

...works on double unders and toes-to-bar (and now chest-to-bar) after every WOD.

...has a fire lit under her ass to get better.

...wants to get stronger, not skinnier, although leaning out is an enjoyable byproduct.

...enjoys the soreness that comes after a good workout.

...can do a handstand and six consecutive real push-ups.

I love this gift that I've been given and how it has been transforming me not only physically, but mentally as well.

How do you stay motivated? What lights your fire?