I promise I'm not in the middle of an emotional breakdown, in fact, quite the opposite. I feel invigorated today, full of energy - enough energy that I ran on my beautiful secondhand treadmill that my mom got me for Christmas!
It was wonderful.
It was much needed.
It was...PAINFUL.
Yup, my boobs are too big now that I'm breastfeeding. Looks like I need to go shopping for some sports bras because this mama is going to keep pounding that pavement, err...treadmill!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
first attempt at homemade bread
There is nothing like fresh, warm bread topped with creamy butter to make your mouth water...
Nana gave me her old bread maker because she no longer used it and I finally bought yeast yesterday to make some bread. My first attempt was French bread and oh. my. gosh. It was delish!
I can't wait to try more recipes...next on my list is some pumpkin bread and maybe some zucchini bread, yum!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I feel so honored!
These two are so special to Adrian and me - I feel so honored to have been asked to be a part of their wedding in October! It makes me so happy that two of our most favorite people have found each other.
I had no idea 2.5 years ago that inviting Nicole up to visit in Ventura would lead her to her future husband, but I'm so glad she came, and obviously she is too...
Lookign forward to porch-sitting, wine-drinking and checkers-playing for the next 60 years!
Friday, January 27, 2012
making friends
I'm shy, it's true. You wouldn't know it if you're one of my friends because I'll talk your ear off, but when I'm in a new group I get major anxiety. Living in a new city has been tough because I don't really like to go out of my comfort zone, aka my house. In the past, I've signed up for moms' groups but never made an appearance because I was too scared to go by myself.
So, Gabriel and I have been going to a new park in Imperial that is much more popular than the one down the street that we used to frequent. When we got there this morning I thought maybe there was a birthday party going on because there was a little train driving all of the kids around. Of course Gabriel was obsessed with the train and begging to ride it from the second we got there, but I was hesitant at first to go over.
After playing for a while on all of the toys, we ended up just standing and watching the train go by. A lady came up to me laughing because her son was trying to run to the area where the train was going and started talking about the organization that had put on the party. After listening to her talk to me like I knew what she was talking about, I finally told her that I was new to the area and had no idea what the organization was. Turns out, it's a place to take kids 6 and under during the day for them to play and craft and do other fun stuff called My Family Treehouse. Apparently we were at the right place at the right time, because this is what I've been looking for!
She introduced herself and told me about a Kinder Music class and a Mommy and Me class in the area and invited me to join sometime. She said she goes to the Treehouse three days a week and if I had any other questions about the area or things to do, to give her a call.
I'm just so happy. I really want to get involved in the area with Gabriel, that's one of my goals for the year, and this is a great start!
So, Gabriel and I have been going to a new park in Imperial that is much more popular than the one down the street that we used to frequent. When we got there this morning I thought maybe there was a birthday party going on because there was a little train driving all of the kids around. Of course Gabriel was obsessed with the train and begging to ride it from the second we got there, but I was hesitant at first to go over.
After playing for a while on all of the toys, we ended up just standing and watching the train go by. A lady came up to me laughing because her son was trying to run to the area where the train was going and started talking about the organization that had put on the party. After listening to her talk to me like I knew what she was talking about, I finally told her that I was new to the area and had no idea what the organization was. Turns out, it's a place to take kids 6 and under during the day for them to play and craft and do other fun stuff called My Family Treehouse. Apparently we were at the right place at the right time, because this is what I've been looking for!
She introduced herself and told me about a Kinder Music class and a Mommy and Me class in the area and invited me to join sometime. She said she goes to the Treehouse three days a week and if I had any other questions about the area or things to do, to give her a call.
I'm just so happy. I really want to get involved in the area with Gabriel, that's one of my goals for the year, and this is a great start!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
totes
In college, my bfff and I created our own language. It was mostly the shortening of words or phrases, but often we would post strings of letters on each other's Facebook walls to be deciphered. Yes, I realize we were in our twenties, but whatevs.
It was so popular that our other bfff caught on and soon, it was no bigs to say I mi yo bia, love! Meaning I miss you, bitch (used endearingly and never the whole word, only B, later to turn into bia) love you! Or to say bainyofa - meaning, balls in your face!
So you see, I'm no stranger to shortening words and being trendy, but I just CANNOT get into using the word "totes." In fact, I hate it. It makes me thing of frogs. Or handbags. Or that the person using it is a complete douche.
There really is no explanation for my hatred of this word. Hopefully none of my friends use it. If you do, just pretend you don't so I don't have to be forced to make fun of you.
It was so popular that our other bfff caught on and soon, it was no bigs to say I mi yo bia, love! Meaning I miss you, bitch (used endearingly and never the whole word, only B, later to turn into bia) love you! Or to say bainyofa - meaning, balls in your face!
So you see, I'm no stranger to shortening words and being trendy, but I just CANNOT get into using the word "totes." In fact, I hate it. It makes me thing of frogs. Or handbags. Or that the person using it is a complete douche.
There really is no explanation for my hatred of this word. Hopefully none of my friends use it. If you do, just pretend you don't so I don't have to be forced to make fun of you.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
already the protective brother
Two nights ago, Gabriel, Jonas and I were leaving a restaurant; Jonas was hungry and started crying in the backseat.
It was dark and for some reason I put my car in the low-drive gear so when I was accelerating, my car was revving loudly.
From the backseat, Gabriel said "Mommy, are you going really fast?"
I told him, "No, baby, my car is making funny noises." I realized at this point what was going on with my car.
He said to me, "Mommy, please slow down and drive carefully. Jonas doesn't like to go too fast!"
I love the fact that he already has his brother's back.
It was dark and for some reason I put my car in the low-drive gear so when I was accelerating, my car was revving loudly.
From the backseat, Gabriel said "Mommy, are you going really fast?"
I told him, "No, baby, my car is making funny noises." I realized at this point what was going on with my car.
He said to me, "Mommy, please slow down and drive carefully. Jonas doesn't like to go too fast!"
I love the fact that he already has his brother's back.
Jonas: a birth story
Throughout my pregnancy, I had been spouting about how I was going to have a natural, vaginal delivery and it would be smooth and perfect and much better than my previous experience. Truthfully, I don't think I really thought I could do it. I think I thought that someone would stop me or something would happen and I'd be whisked away back into the operating room where he would be born. But that didn't happen.
On Friday morning, I had an appointment with my doctor. She excitedly told me that the state of my cervix was quite favorable, using words like perfect, soft, stretchy, awesome... I was 2 cm dilated and 90% effaced, nice progress from the previous appointment. She swept my membranes and sent me on my way, telling me she would be surprised if I lasted through the weekend.
Adrian had taken work off to come with me to my appointment, so we decided to go to the beach and have what we joked was our date out as a threesome, not knowing that in less than 24 hours, we would be a foursome. After lunch and walking along the beach for a while, we ran errands and then headed to my Nana's house while Adrian went to the San Diego office for a little while.
At this point, I'd been feeling quite crampy and having random contractions, but nothing that would be considered regular. By 6:30 that evening I was having contractions that were anywhere from 6-10 minutes apart, although lacking intensity. Adrian was still meeting with people at his office so I sent him a text saying that to err on the safe side, we should stay in San Diego that night...save ourselves the potential 2 hour drive to the hospital. He promptly showed his bosses the text and hightailed it home, then we headed to my parents' house. I still wasn't convinced that we'd be having a baby soon, I was certain that we'd be heading back home in the morning!
We ate dinner with my parents and my contractions were becoming more regular, around 6 minutes but varying in intensity and length. At about 10:30 I told Adrian he might want to go to sleep because I had a feeling we might be making a hospital trip (of course he didn't listen because he's stubborn!) and I fell asleep at around 11pm. Go figure, at 1:30am I woke up with painful contractions that were 4 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds each time. I sat watching Animal Hoarders until I finally got Adrian (who was causing trouble outside with my dad) and told him that it was really happening. Uncharacteristically, he freaked out a bit, asking frantic questions and repeating "we're really going to the hospital, this is actually happening..." As we were getting in the car, I finally told him that he needed to pull it together because I couldn't handle him freaking out!
By the time we arrived at the hospital around 4:15am, my contractions were considerably stronger and coming at 2-3 minute intervals. I was dilated to 6cm, thank goodness, and they whisked me away into a delivery room. Totally TMI, but weirdly enough, with Jonas' labor I felt like I had to pee every 5 minutes, whereas with Gabriel it was the number 2 that wouldn't leave me alone. I swear I walked back and forth from the restroom about 50,000 times, which meant repeatedly unhooking cords and plugs so I could move around. Finally, the wonderful nurse brought me a yoga ball to sit on, since true to form, I forgot mine at home. I put pillows in front of me to lay my head on while sitting on the ball with Adrian rubbing my back. I've never felt so in control of my body than I did in those hours leading up to delivery. It was a sense of calm and purpose that washed over my entire being, in my head and my heart and my limbs. Adrian is convinced I was so "in the zone" that I was falling asleep in between contractions, but I remember very vividly being awake. I labored that way until about 6:30 when I told Adrian that if I hadn't progressed at all since the previous check, by god I was getting an epidural and nobody was going to stop me. He told me I was crazy, which I agreed with, but man, it was intense. Phew, I was at 9 cm.
15 minutes later I was feeling major pressure and ready to push. It was an out-of-body experience, to say the least. There were parts of the next 45 minutes where I was certain I couldn't keep pushing. I take my hat off to women who push for hours and hours because I was so utterly drained by the time Jonas came and thought it impossible at points to even muster up an ounce more of energy. My water refused to break, even after contractions taking me to 10 cm and pushing for about 15 minutes (that's a story for anther day, pretty hilarious actually), so the midwife had to break it. Another 40 minutes of pushing and several expletives shouted to nobody and finally, finally we met our baby boy. He was, is, perfect.
I've literally never felt pain like I felt that morning, but I am so grateful to have had the experience. I swore to Adrian right after it was finished that if we have another, they can slice me open for all I care because I was never going through that again. Now that my memory has dulled, I'm starting to think I might do it the exact same way. Funny how quickly we forget the pain...
Adrian cut the umbilical cord and then Jonas was put on my chest immediately, where he stayed for the next hour or so. The look on Adrian's face when he held Jonas for the first time was priceless. I'm so glad I captured it because I never, ever want to forget it.
My parents stayed at the hospital during labor and came in as soon as I was all stitched up (ouch!) and comfortable (not so much!). They are happy, happy grandparents...
Gabriel met his brother for the first time and wanted to give him Cheezits. He still wasn't ready to hold him but at least he's being a good sharer! Once he saw everyone holding the baby he decided that he might like his brother and decided to hold him. Every morning since we've been home, Gabriel comes into our room and says "Is Jonas still here? Where is my baby brother?" Then he climbs in bed and snuggles with us. In those quiet moments, everything is right in the world.
There's this thing that happens when you have a second baby where you don't think your heart can expand any more than it already did to make room for your first. You think it might explode into little bits and pieces of memories all over the floor. But then you get this second precious, precious gift and all you can think about is how he was made for this family. How his piece fits into the missing jigsaw space so perfectly and creates balance that you never knew you needed. That he was predesigned a million years ago to be right in this spot. With you.
Now that Jonas is home, we are developing a great routine. Gabriel has much more energy than he did pre-Jonas (or at least it feels like it!) and I've been getting major cabin fever so we make it a point to get to the park at least once a day.
He is a dream baby during the day, doing what babies do - sleeping, eating and pooping. Last night we had our first 4-hour stretch of sleep which was ah-mazing. So amazing in fact, that when I woke up I was engorged and tried to get him to eat, but he was too into sleeping so I just laid there, wide awake.
I just can't put into words how amazing it is to finally have him here, to see Gabriel so in love with his little brother.
Looking at these two boys, I can't help but think that every single step in my life was leading up to this point. With them.
On Friday morning, I had an appointment with my doctor. She excitedly told me that the state of my cervix was quite favorable, using words like perfect, soft, stretchy, awesome... I was 2 cm dilated and 90% effaced, nice progress from the previous appointment. She swept my membranes and sent me on my way, telling me she would be surprised if I lasted through the weekend.
Adrian had taken work off to come with me to my appointment, so we decided to go to the beach and have what we joked was our date out as a threesome, not knowing that in less than 24 hours, we would be a foursome. After lunch and walking along the beach for a while, we ran errands and then headed to my Nana's house while Adrian went to the San Diego office for a little while.
At this point, I'd been feeling quite crampy and having random contractions, but nothing that would be considered regular. By 6:30 that evening I was having contractions that were anywhere from 6-10 minutes apart, although lacking intensity. Adrian was still meeting with people at his office so I sent him a text saying that to err on the safe side, we should stay in San Diego that night...save ourselves the potential 2 hour drive to the hospital. He promptly showed his bosses the text and hightailed it home, then we headed to my parents' house. I still wasn't convinced that we'd be having a baby soon, I was certain that we'd be heading back home in the morning!
We ate dinner with my parents and my contractions were becoming more regular, around 6 minutes but varying in intensity and length. At about 10:30 I told Adrian he might want to go to sleep because I had a feeling we might be making a hospital trip (of course he didn't listen because he's stubborn!) and I fell asleep at around 11pm. Go figure, at 1:30am I woke up with painful contractions that were 4 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds each time. I sat watching Animal Hoarders until I finally got Adrian (who was causing trouble outside with my dad) and told him that it was really happening. Uncharacteristically, he freaked out a bit, asking frantic questions and repeating "we're really going to the hospital, this is actually happening..." As we were getting in the car, I finally told him that he needed to pull it together because I couldn't handle him freaking out!
By the time we arrived at the hospital around 4:15am, my contractions were considerably stronger and coming at 2-3 minute intervals. I was dilated to 6cm, thank goodness, and they whisked me away into a delivery room. Totally TMI, but weirdly enough, with Jonas' labor I felt like I had to pee every 5 minutes, whereas with Gabriel it was the number 2 that wouldn't leave me alone. I swear I walked back and forth from the restroom about 50,000 times, which meant repeatedly unhooking cords and plugs so I could move around. Finally, the wonderful nurse brought me a yoga ball to sit on, since true to form, I forgot mine at home. I put pillows in front of me to lay my head on while sitting on the ball with Adrian rubbing my back. I've never felt so in control of my body than I did in those hours leading up to delivery. It was a sense of calm and purpose that washed over my entire being, in my head and my heart and my limbs. Adrian is convinced I was so "in the zone" that I was falling asleep in between contractions, but I remember very vividly being awake. I labored that way until about 6:30 when I told Adrian that if I hadn't progressed at all since the previous check, by god I was getting an epidural and nobody was going to stop me. He told me I was crazy, which I agreed with, but man, it was intense. Phew, I was at 9 cm.
15 minutes later I was feeling major pressure and ready to push. It was an out-of-body experience, to say the least. There were parts of the next 45 minutes where I was certain I couldn't keep pushing. I take my hat off to women who push for hours and hours because I was so utterly drained by the time Jonas came and thought it impossible at points to even muster up an ounce more of energy. My water refused to break, even after contractions taking me to 10 cm and pushing for about 15 minutes (that's a story for anther day, pretty hilarious actually), so the midwife had to break it. Another 40 minutes of pushing and several expletives shouted to nobody and finally, finally we met our baby boy. He was, is, perfect.
I've literally never felt pain like I felt that morning, but I am so grateful to have had the experience. I swore to Adrian right after it was finished that if we have another, they can slice me open for all I care because I was never going through that again. Now that my memory has dulled, I'm starting to think I might do it the exact same way. Funny how quickly we forget the pain...
Adrian cut the umbilical cord and then Jonas was put on my chest immediately, where he stayed for the next hour or so. The look on Adrian's face when he held Jonas for the first time was priceless. I'm so glad I captured it because I never, ever want to forget it.
My parents stayed at the hospital during labor and came in as soon as I was all stitched up (ouch!) and comfortable (not so much!). They are happy, happy grandparents...
Gabriel met his brother for the first time and wanted to give him Cheezits. He still wasn't ready to hold him but at least he's being a good sharer! Once he saw everyone holding the baby he decided that he might like his brother and decided to hold him. Every morning since we've been home, Gabriel comes into our room and says "Is Jonas still here? Where is my baby brother?" Then he climbs in bed and snuggles with us. In those quiet moments, everything is right in the world.
Now that Jonas is home, we are developing a great routine. Gabriel has much more energy than he did pre-Jonas (or at least it feels like it!) and I've been getting major cabin fever so we make it a point to get to the park at least once a day.
He is a dream baby during the day, doing what babies do - sleeping, eating and pooping. Last night we had our first 4-hour stretch of sleep which was ah-mazing. So amazing in fact, that when I woke up I was engorged and tried to get him to eat, but he was too into sleeping so I just laid there, wide awake.
I just can't put into words how amazing it is to finally have him here, to see Gabriel so in love with his little brother.
Looking at these two boys, I can't help but think that every single step in my life was leading up to this point. With them.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
the quiet
I'm finally living in the quiet. The whirlwind of life took over the last five days and I've turned off the TV and shut my ears and it's finally calm here.
We've been to San Diego and back three times since Friday, birthed a baby, had visitors, celebrated birthdays, attended doctors' appointments, coped with pain, laughed and cried, played with babies and big boys and lost a lot of sleep.
I know that soon he'll sleep and the bleary-crying-can-I-handle-this(!?) eyes won't last forever, which makes me just as happy as sad because we're already moving at light speed. Fives days he's been here and I love the newborn smells and the tiny feet and watching him while he sleeps all day.
And all of this baby smell makes me realize that my other baby isn't a baby anymore and I want to tell him to just stop it now. Stay where you are and don't grow another inch and lets pause today. Because tomorrow marks another day that you're older and wiser and will need me just a little less.
I'm happy and content and overwhelmed and have that pain in my chest that tells me I'm scared but it's okay because these boys are beautiful. Coffee and kisses make everything okay.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The end is in sight (thank god!)
Before I start my post, I have to tell you...Gabriel is sitting on the toilet in the bathroom saying "ooooo, ooooo!"
I asked him what he was doing and said in a little attitude-y, duh-mom voice, "Mom, I'm an owl, ooooooo, oooooo!" Motherhood, I tell ya!
Speaking of motherhood, I'm about ready to get this duo show on the road here. As you would expect me to say, I feel huge, evidenced by my XXX (and no, I don't mean hardcore) body below.
Today I am 38 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours and 36 minutes...see what I mean about being over this whole thing?
I obsessively cleaned my entire house last week; we're talking nesting on steroids here. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I peaked too soon because now everything I've cleaned has gotten dirty again. Shit.
At my last appointment, last Friday, I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I still absolutely love my new doctor and when Adrian met her he agreed that she was perfect for me. Very energetic, talkative, funny. Tomorrow I see her again and we're supposed to do a membrane sweep to see if that gets things going.
Luckily for me, she would prefer I go into labor before 40 weeks just because she knows how I feel about the medical induction talk and subsequently, the c-section conversation. So I've been walking, eating lots of pineapple, using nipple stimulation, bouncing on a yoga ball and - you know - in hopes that we'll meet our little man/woman soon.
My body is being such a tease; yesterday for 24 hours I was having contractions every 8-9 minutes for 30-45 seconds and then I fell asleep last night. Hoped to be woken up with severe contractions. Woke up to nooooooooooothing.
So basically, if you love me, say a prayer, send positive vibes and think positive thoughts my way. Because I would love to be posting pics of my little snuggle buggle come Monday!
I asked him what he was doing and said in a little attitude-y, duh-mom voice, "Mom, I'm an owl, ooooooo, oooooo!" Motherhood, I tell ya!
Speaking of motherhood, I'm about ready to get this duo show on the road here. As you would expect me to say, I feel huge, evidenced by my XXX (and no, I don't mean hardcore) body below.
Today I am 38 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours and 36 minutes...see what I mean about being over this whole thing?
I obsessively cleaned my entire house last week; we're talking nesting on steroids here. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I peaked too soon because now everything I've cleaned has gotten dirty again. Shit.
At my last appointment, last Friday, I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I still absolutely love my new doctor and when Adrian met her he agreed that she was perfect for me. Very energetic, talkative, funny. Tomorrow I see her again and we're supposed to do a membrane sweep to see if that gets things going.
Luckily for me, she would prefer I go into labor before 40 weeks just because she knows how I feel about the medical induction talk and subsequently, the c-section conversation. So I've been walking, eating lots of pineapple, using nipple stimulation, bouncing on a yoga ball and - you know - in hopes that we'll meet our little man/woman soon.
My body is being such a tease; yesterday for 24 hours I was having contractions every 8-9 minutes for 30-45 seconds and then I fell asleep last night. Hoped to be woken up with severe contractions. Woke up to nooooooooooothing.
So basically, if you love me, say a prayer, send positive vibes and think positive thoughts my way. Because I would love to be posting pics of my little snuggle buggle come Monday!
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