A few things that are making me happy today:

This weather...

To be out with the old...

 

 ...and in with the new! (Big boy chair, yay!)

This incredibly adorable child...

With his sticky strawberry cheeks...

 The fact that he loves his big boy chair...

$149.68 worth of yummy groceries from Henry's; my goal was to stay under $150.00. I win.

 It's 24 hours away from October!

What are you loving today?

It's hot, hot, hot!

We had the air on all last night. This morning, I got dressed in my pants and long sleeve light sweater. It looked like there was a slight breeze in the air when I peeked outside the double doors from my room so I figured it would be perfect. When I stepped outside, the heat was so oppressive, it took all of my willpower to not step back inside, shut the door and turn the air up.

I'm ready for brisk, crisp fall weather. Bundling up with hot chocolate at football games. Making butternut squash soup. Putting up Halloween decorations. Rubbing cold hands together in front of a warm fire. Listening to the rain in bed. The smell of homemade apple pie baking in the oven. Wearing a coat and using an umbrella and wearing mittens.

I miss it all. I'm ready for it.

This was Gabriel last year...
...I can't wait for his Elmo costume this year!

I want to do this

http://www.daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

I am lucky

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am lucky. I am so lucky that I have a toddler who, at this moment, is in his play corner crashing and banging tons of noise-making toys.

I am so very lucky that I work for a company, aside from many quirks, gives Jewish holidays paid time off, even if I'm not Jewish.

I am so lucky, my husband is in El Centro, in the hot, hot heat, working so that we can have the life and house that we have. I'm a very lucky lady.

I have to remind myself this because there are days like last week where I was distracted and unsure. I kept thinking how urgent it is for me to figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, how I'm going to stay home with my baby...

I still think about those things, especially on days like today; I woke up at 7, opened Gabriel's door and heard him say "Mommy!" We ate together, he napped, I cleaned. Two days in a row, I've been able to make my husband dinner without rushing around.

I love days like today.

I am very lucky.

Destined for something more

Have you ever suddenly been jerked to reality and realized you are somewhere you never thought you'd be? Every day for the past month I have had this recurring thought, this jolting awareness, that I have not come close to meeting my full potential in life. Growing up, I believe in being the best, pushing myself to the limits, always moving forward and refusing to be stagnant. I got into Pepperdine and for some reason, I lost that motivation. I let myself fall and allowed myself to believe that mediocrity was not necessarily a terrible thing...

And here I sit, a little over two years post-graduation and I've done nothing. I work for an organization that, at first glance, is great with its full benefits and generous vacation packages. But take a second glance and what you'll see is an office so bound by a neurotic, stiff work environment and employees so terrified of making a mistake that they have no problem letting others be their scapegoat. I'm grateful to be working, to have a polite, sweet supervisor, but I'm exhausted from feeling on edge, waiting for my next criticism or complaint. Every day I feel like I'm wasting away my mind.

I miss school. I miss my brain functioning at a higher capacity than it currently flat lines at. I miss feeling like I was working towards a career that would not only support my family well, but also would make me feel like I made a difference in the world. But worthwhile isn't enough either. I want to be someone who receives respect from my accomplishments. I know that sounds a little narcissistic, but I want to work for those accomplishments. I know I'm much smarter than my GPA from Pepperdine represents and sadly, I feel like that defines my next direction.

So the question is, where's my niche? Where do I fit in in this world? I don't really know which direction to go. I am currently taking a Biology class in order to start fulfilling the pre-req's for nursing school and who knows, maybe med school. I love science and when I apply myself (unlike in college), I'm actually decent at it. But, if I go down this path and really get to where I could possibly get into medical school, I can't help but consider all of the things I would be giving up. I would give up being at home with my baby (or eventually, babies) every night. I would give up cooking and eating dinner with my family. I put off having children or squeeze it all in now. I lose my social life and would have to learn to sustain my family on Adrian's salary alone. I've also thought regularly about teaching. I'd love to teach either Biology or English, but with a degree in Psychology, I'd have to teach lower grades, something I have never been able to envision myself doing.

As you can see, I've created quite the pickle for myself. In the interim and hopefully in the next 4-5 months, I'd love for us to be able to pay off our credit cards, part of one of the cars, and a few other things so that I can stay at home with Gabriel and possibly try for another. I suppose these next few months should include a whole 'lotta soul searching...

What are you doing to meet your potential?

I've been busy...

I've officially been sucked in to the chaos of life...

Since my last blog post, we've gone to Laughlin and Flagstaff (and then Laughlin again), both have started class(es), my in-laws have been in town, my brother was declared cancer-free, my brother was re-declared to have cancer, my sister left for college, gained 5 pounds, lost a few more, and Gabriel has said a million new words...among other things.

As you can see, August was an interesting month. One of the most significant of all these happenings was my brother. I haven't really posted anything on here about him and I'm not really sure why. Partly, it has felt pretty surreal and partly because I was already talking about so much to everyone I saw, I didn't feel like word-vomitting it into the blogosphere. So I suppose, here's the short version if you're at all interested...

Anthony was diagnosed in early January with Hodgkins Lymphona. Cancer is such a scary word and everyone, as you can imagine, was in hysterics and disbelief. We depressingly all went out to dinner the night we found out, puffy-eyed and some still occasionally weeping. My mom and dad called Mikey to let him know what we had found out and he was a surprising source of strength I think for Anthony. The medical staff was extremely proactive in getting Anthony into treatment, so he began cycles of chemotherapy almost immediately. Luckily, Mountain Empire was very flexible with him in allowing a certain schedule so although he was missing every 3rd week of school, he was still doing work and somewhat keeping up. Next came radiation, which occurred everyday for about six weeks.

I knew my brother was sick, I had heard the results of his tests and been to the hospital while he was in treatment but it really didn't hit me until towards the end of chemo that he was sick. Up to that point, he had thrown up, been a little more tired and lost his hair but he still seemed to be holding up just fine. It must have been in April because my family was planning to take my sister to Flagstaff to check out NAU. Anthony had just finished a treatment and for some reason I was at Nana's that particular day. My dad had whispered to me that Ant had been having a hard time keeping his balance and at one point had even fallen to the ground. He had a hard time remembering where he was; he was completely bald and without a trace of facial hair; he was so tired that he went straight to the couch and fell asleep. It was sad.

When he finished chemotherapy and started radiation, there was an immediate change in his demeanor and physical appearance. In fact, if you see my brother now, two months removed from his last radiation treatment, you would never know that he had gone through such a traumatic experience. He has a full head of hair and his usual thick, Bert-like eyebrows (he knows it, hah!). He looks amazing and is playing football this season...at least until September 15th. Last Tuesday, the day we were leaving to take my sister to Flagstaff, his doctors met with him and my parents to let them know that there are still traces of the cancerous cells in his neck. Granted, it is no where near what it was before as it was down through his chest and belly, but it still was shocking as we had all been absolutely convinced that this was the end of our family's little nightmare.

The doctors will be re-evaluating his situation on the 15th by running myriad tests and blood work and all of that other not-exciting stuff. We all know God works miracles and the doctors told us to have hope that the cancer could potentially disappear by then because there are still traces of radiation bouncing around his body trying to kill off those cells. Please say a prayer, send good vibes, throw up some good thoughts for him. When I asked him if he was ready for school to start this year, he told me yes, because he was looking forward to having a normal year. He said, "Jess, seriously, what kid gets cancer their freshman year of high school? I'm so over this!" Personally, I know someone close to all of our MEHS C/O 2004 hearts who did, but that's a whole separate post....Anyway, keep him in your thoughts!