Have you ever suddenly been jerked to reality and realized you are somewhere you never thought you'd be? Every day for the past month I have had this recurring thought, this jolting awareness, that I have not come close to meeting my full potential in life. Growing up, I believe in being the best, pushing myself to the limits, always moving forward and refusing to be stagnant. I got into Pepperdine and for some reason, I lost that motivation. I let myself fall and allowed myself to believe that mediocrity was not necessarily a terrible thing...
And here I sit, a little over two years post-graduation and I've done nothing. I work for an organization that, at first glance, is great with its full benefits and generous vacation packages. But take a second glance and what you'll see is an office so bound by a neurotic, stiff work environment and employees so terrified of making a mistake that they have no problem letting others be their scapegoat. I'm grateful to be working, to have a polite, sweet supervisor, but I'm exhausted from feeling on edge, waiting for my next criticism or complaint. Every day I feel like I'm wasting away my mind.
I miss school. I miss my brain functioning at a higher capacity than it currently flat lines at. I miss feeling like I was working towards a career that would not only support my family well, but also would make me feel like I made a difference in the world. But worthwhile isn't enough either. I want to be someone who receives respect from my accomplishments. I know that sounds a little narcissistic, but I want to work for those accomplishments. I know I'm much smarter than my GPA from Pepperdine represents and sadly, I feel like that defines my next direction.
So the question is, where's my niche? Where do I fit in in this world? I don't really know which direction to go. I am currently taking a Biology class in order to start fulfilling the pre-req's for nursing school and who knows, maybe med school. I love science and when I apply myself (unlike in college), I'm actually decent at it. But, if I go down this path and really get to where I could possibly get into medical school, I can't help but consider all of the things I would be giving up. I would give up being at home with my baby (or eventually, babies) every night. I would give up cooking and eating dinner with my family. I put off having children or squeeze it all in now. I lose my social life and would have to learn to sustain my family on Adrian's salary alone. I've also thought regularly about teaching. I'd love to teach either Biology or English, but with a degree in Psychology, I'd have to teach lower grades, something I have never been able to envision myself doing.
As you can see, I've created quite the pickle for myself. In the interim and hopefully in the next 4-5 months, I'd love for us to be able to pay off our credit cards, part of one of the cars, and a few other things so that I can stay at home with Gabriel and possibly try for another. I suppose these next few months should include a whole 'lotta soul searching...
What are you doing to meet your potential?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I've been busy...
I've officially been sucked in to the chaos of life...
Since my last blog post, we've gone to Laughlin and Flagstaff (and then Laughlin again), both have started class(es), my in-laws have been in town, my brother was declared cancer-free, my brother was re-declared to have cancer, my sister left for college, gained 5 pounds, lost a few more, and Gabriel has said a million new words...among other things.
As you can see, August was an interesting month. One of the most significant of all these happenings was my brother. I haven't really posted anything on here about him and I'm not really sure why. Partly, it has felt pretty surreal and partly because I was already talking about so much to everyone I saw, I didn't feel like word-vomitting it into the blogosphere. So I suppose, here's the short version if you're at all interested...
Anthony was diagnosed in early January with Hodgkins Lymphona. Cancer is such a scary word and everyone, as you can imagine, was in hysterics and disbelief. We depressingly all went out to dinner the night we found out, puffy-eyed and some still occasionally weeping. My mom and dad called Mikey to let him know what we had found out and he was a surprising source of strength I think for Anthony. The medical staff was extremely proactive in getting Anthony into treatment, so he began cycles of chemotherapy almost immediately. Luckily, Mountain Empire was very flexible with him in allowing a certain schedule so although he was missing every 3rd week of school, he was still doing work and somewhat keeping up. Next came radiation, which occurred everyday for about six weeks.
I knew my brother was sick, I had heard the results of his tests and been to the hospital while he was in treatment but it really didn't hit me until towards the end of chemo that he was sick. Up to that point, he had thrown up, been a little more tired and lost his hair but he still seemed to be holding up just fine. It must have been in April because my family was planning to take my sister to Flagstaff to check out NAU. Anthony had just finished a treatment and for some reason I was at Nana's that particular day. My dad had whispered to me that Ant had been having a hard time keeping his balance and at one point had even fallen to the ground. He had a hard time remembering where he was; he was completely bald and without a trace of facial hair; he was so tired that he went straight to the couch and fell asleep. It was sad.
When he finished chemotherapy and started radiation, there was an immediate change in his demeanor and physical appearance. In fact, if you see my brother now, two months removed from his last radiation treatment, you would never know that he had gone through such a traumatic experience. He has a full head of hair and his usual thick, Bert-like eyebrows (he knows it, hah!). He looks amazing and is playing football this season...at least until September 15th. Last Tuesday, the day we were leaving to take my sister to Flagstaff, his doctors met with him and my parents to let them know that there are still traces of the cancerous cells in his neck. Granted, it is no where near what it was before as it was down through his chest and belly, but it still was shocking as we had all been absolutely convinced that this was the end of our family's little nightmare.
The doctors will be re-evaluating his situation on the 15th by running myriad tests and blood work and all of that other not-exciting stuff. We all know God works miracles and the doctors told us to have hope that the cancer could potentially disappear by then because there are still traces of radiation bouncing around his body trying to kill off those cells. Please say a prayer, send good vibes, throw up some good thoughts for him. When I asked him if he was ready for school to start this year, he told me yes, because he was looking forward to having a normal year. He said, "Jess, seriously, what kid gets cancer their freshman year of high school? I'm so over this!" Personally, I know someone close to all of our MEHS C/O 2004 hearts who did, but that's a whole separate post....Anyway, keep him in your thoughts!
Since my last blog post, we've gone to Laughlin and Flagstaff (and then Laughlin again), both have started class(es), my in-laws have been in town, my brother was declared cancer-free, my brother was re-declared to have cancer, my sister left for college, gained 5 pounds, lost a few more, and Gabriel has said a million new words...among other things.
As you can see, August was an interesting month. One of the most significant of all these happenings was my brother. I haven't really posted anything on here about him and I'm not really sure why. Partly, it has felt pretty surreal and partly because I was already talking about so much to everyone I saw, I didn't feel like word-vomitting it into the blogosphere. So I suppose, here's the short version if you're at all interested...
Anthony was diagnosed in early January with Hodgkins Lymphona. Cancer is such a scary word and everyone, as you can imagine, was in hysterics and disbelief. We depressingly all went out to dinner the night we found out, puffy-eyed and some still occasionally weeping. My mom and dad called Mikey to let him know what we had found out and he was a surprising source of strength I think for Anthony. The medical staff was extremely proactive in getting Anthony into treatment, so he began cycles of chemotherapy almost immediately. Luckily, Mountain Empire was very flexible with him in allowing a certain schedule so although he was missing every 3rd week of school, he was still doing work and somewhat keeping up. Next came radiation, which occurred everyday for about six weeks.
I knew my brother was sick, I had heard the results of his tests and been to the hospital while he was in treatment but it really didn't hit me until towards the end of chemo that he was sick. Up to that point, he had thrown up, been a little more tired and lost his hair but he still seemed to be holding up just fine. It must have been in April because my family was planning to take my sister to Flagstaff to check out NAU. Anthony had just finished a treatment and for some reason I was at Nana's that particular day. My dad had whispered to me that Ant had been having a hard time keeping his balance and at one point had even fallen to the ground. He had a hard time remembering where he was; he was completely bald and without a trace of facial hair; he was so tired that he went straight to the couch and fell asleep. It was sad.
When he finished chemotherapy and started radiation, there was an immediate change in his demeanor and physical appearance. In fact, if you see my brother now, two months removed from his last radiation treatment, you would never know that he had gone through such a traumatic experience. He has a full head of hair and his usual thick, Bert-like eyebrows (he knows it, hah!). He looks amazing and is playing football this season...at least until September 15th. Last Tuesday, the day we were leaving to take my sister to Flagstaff, his doctors met with him and my parents to let them know that there are still traces of the cancerous cells in his neck. Granted, it is no where near what it was before as it was down through his chest and belly, but it still was shocking as we had all been absolutely convinced that this was the end of our family's little nightmare.
The doctors will be re-evaluating his situation on the 15th by running myriad tests and blood work and all of that other not-exciting stuff. We all know God works miracles and the doctors told us to have hope that the cancer could potentially disappear by then because there are still traces of radiation bouncing around his body trying to kill off those cells. Please say a prayer, send good vibes, throw up some good thoughts for him. When I asked him if he was ready for school to start this year, he told me yes, because he was looking forward to having a normal year. He said, "Jess, seriously, what kid gets cancer their freshman year of high school? I'm so over this!" Personally, I know someone close to all of our MEHS C/O 2004 hearts who did, but that's a whole separate post....Anyway, keep him in your thoughts!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Small step for American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, one giant step for Jessica
Most of you know that when I was pregnant with Gabriel, I had a strict agenda. I thought that because I had a plan, everything would go my way and my way was going to be a natural, vaginal birth. I read all the books and everything said that if you let one intervention in, you better throw that "natural" birth to the wayside because cesarean, here you come! Epidural babies come out tired and lethargic, the chemicals are bad for them, etc, etc, etc...this is why I had a plan. No drugs, no interventions, energetic, non-chemical'd newborn. And then real labor set it. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but when I started having gut-wrenching contractions at 2am, I took it in stride. I, of course, left the room so as not to wake up my snoring husband boyfriend, put on my iPod and got ready for the real deal.
Fast forward 18 hours and you have me writhing in pain at the hospital, enduring 30 seconds-1 minute apart contractions and promising my firstborn to whoever would end my pain. Another two hours go by and I've thrown caution and the chemical concerns to the wind while I lay comfortably with a huge tube in my spine and a pitocin drip (another no-no in my previously "natural" birth plan). When it was time for the grand finale, nothing. Or I guess you could say something: doctors and nurses rushing here and there, flipping me from side to side, back to front. Finally, after trying to get things going for a few minutes, the doctor informed me that my precious little chemical-infused child has the cord wrapped around his neck and our only option was an emergency cesarean.
Lets fast forward once more to my 6-week post-natal appointment with Dr. Torres. I was already thinking ahead like the true planner/control-freak that I am to my next child (who, for your information, is not in any sort of short term plan for us, at least at this moment in time) and this infamous VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) that I have heard so much about. His immediate response, "No." "But, but..." I stammer. "I know Xamount of people who have done it and why not and I know it's possible and..." He gave scary concerns such as uterine rupture and bleeding out as his primary reasons for ruling it out. He said that all of Ventura County had stopped performing them because supposedly the risks outweighed the benefits and ruptures were happening far too often (if my memory serves me correctly, it occurs in less than 1% of all VBACs).
Needless to say, I felt cheated. Kind of like a failure, too. Like if I hadn't had that epidural, everything would have progressed like it was supposed to and the cord wouldn't have been wrapped around his neck and my plan would have worked. I come from the belief that giving birth (and breastfeeding!!!) is what a woman, no matter if you choose to have children or not, was born to do. Our bodies were made for this and as such, can handle the pain of childbirth. I felt like because I had doubted my ability to handle the pain, I was sort of being punished. Anyway, I attempted to justify it by saying that I would never have to worry about roast beef vagina (sorry for the disgusting visual!), rips, and all the other shitty parts that come with having a normal, everyday delivery. I really tried to make myself feel better about this whole situation, but I've never been able to find total peace with it. I loved the feeling that my body knew what to do in order to bring my son into the world. Birth is, in all of its bloody glory, a beautiful thing. To know that I would never experience contractions, labor, the anxious, nervous anticipation of it all, that was tough.
I'm sure you can imagine my excitement when I read this. Essentially, it says that women like me who had a relatively normal labor and ended up with a cesarean for emergency reasons very well may be a candidate again for a VBAC. Research has been conducted and now they believe that for some of us, the benefits do outweigh the risks. That for me, I get a chance to have a re-do. Hopefully. It will still be case-by-case and the fact that I had an extra tear in my uterus certainly isn't in my favor, but I will beg, plead, and probably promise my second-born to whoever will help. Not that I'm having any more anytime soon. And I definitely don't have baby on the brain, can't you tell?
Fast forward 18 hours and you have me writhing in pain at the hospital, enduring 30 seconds-1 minute apart contractions and promising my firstborn to whoever would end my pain. Another two hours go by and I've thrown caution and the chemical concerns to the wind while I lay comfortably with a huge tube in my spine and a pitocin drip (another no-no in my previously "natural" birth plan). When it was time for the grand finale, nothing. Or I guess you could say something: doctors and nurses rushing here and there, flipping me from side to side, back to front. Finally, after trying to get things going for a few minutes, the doctor informed me that my precious little chemical-infused child has the cord wrapped around his neck and our only option was an emergency cesarean.
Lets fast forward once more to my 6-week post-natal appointment with Dr. Torres. I was already thinking ahead like the true planner/control-freak that I am to my next child (who, for your information, is not in any sort of short term plan for us, at least at this moment in time) and this infamous VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) that I have heard so much about. His immediate response, "No." "But, but..." I stammer. "I know Xamount of people who have done it and why not and I know it's possible and..." He gave scary concerns such as uterine rupture and bleeding out as his primary reasons for ruling it out. He said that all of Ventura County had stopped performing them because supposedly the risks outweighed the benefits and ruptures were happening far too often (if my memory serves me correctly, it occurs in less than 1% of all VBACs).
Needless to say, I felt cheated. Kind of like a failure, too. Like if I hadn't had that epidural, everything would have progressed like it was supposed to and the cord wouldn't have been wrapped around his neck and my plan would have worked. I come from the belief that giving birth (and breastfeeding!!!) is what a woman, no matter if you choose to have children or not, was born to do. Our bodies were made for this and as such, can handle the pain of childbirth. I felt like because I had doubted my ability to handle the pain, I was sort of being punished. Anyway, I attempted to justify it by saying that I would never have to worry about roast beef vagina (sorry for the disgusting visual!), rips, and all the other shitty parts that come with having a normal, everyday delivery. I really tried to make myself feel better about this whole situation, but I've never been able to find total peace with it. I loved the feeling that my body knew what to do in order to bring my son into the world. Birth is, in all of its bloody glory, a beautiful thing. To know that I would never experience contractions, labor, the anxious, nervous anticipation of it all, that was tough.
I'm sure you can imagine my excitement when I read this. Essentially, it says that women like me who had a relatively normal labor and ended up with a cesarean for emergency reasons very well may be a candidate again for a VBAC. Research has been conducted and now they believe that for some of us, the benefits do outweigh the risks. That for me, I get a chance to have a re-do. Hopefully. It will still be case-by-case and the fact that I had an extra tear in my uterus certainly isn't in my favor, but I will beg, plead, and probably promise my second-born to whoever will help. Not that I'm having any more anytime soon. And I definitely don't have baby on the brain, can't you tell?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Happy Birthday, brother
Brother, it has been 14 months since I've seen your face. I'm sure Japan is nice, but I'm ready for you to come home now. I'm counting down the days until you get off that plane in December. I want you to know that I am proud of you. Proud of how far you've come and proud of where you're going. You have become a responsible, albeit cooky, respectful, strong young man. I love you, happy 20th birthday. May this year bring you blessings.
Monday, July 5, 2010
"Ballas on a budget" as my husband would say
Minus the fact that ballas we are not, a budget we are on. We've decided to go the typical route--less eating out, less splurging on nothing-specials, and more budget spreadsheets and crunching numbers. We've opened a second checking account so that we can pay our bills out of one and take care of gas, food, and other variable expenses from another. We've also set up an automatic withdrawal to our savings...hopefully all these things will help us to pay off our credit cards so that we can buy some new furniture and someday maybe get a full time nanny for Gabriel.
Now, I love finding great budget-friendly knick-knacks and this weekend was no exception. It started with a trip to Henry's Market, which has become my new favorite grocery store. I have been wanting to go organic and local for a while and Henry's is perfect for that. The previous week, I took a trip to Fresh and Easy, whose promise is to provide lower prices by keeping their operating costs low. I liked the mission so I decided to shop there; true, their prices were low and I was sufficiently pleased with my purchases. However, not just a few days later, after planning a menu including the asparagus I had just purchased, I opened the fridge to find that they had a slightly fishy stink and were already quite slimy. I decided to try Henry's next, as they have a similar promise, to bring you locally grown, natural, sometimes- depending on the product-organic foods. I fell in love with store! They let you buy all sorts of things in bulk like pretzels, flour, sugar, granola, etc. There are fresh fruits and vegetables galore and plenty of fresh, organic, low-cost meats and cheeses. It's like a little slice of heaven in there. Adrian and I walked out with about 10 grocery bags full of food, 4 bottles of wine, and a 6 pack of beer for the low price of $135.48. I would say it was quite the success!
On Saturday morning, Adrian and I decided to go garage-sale-ing and then to Ikea, another huge success. We found a large wine cabinet with a marble top, an ironing board, some books for Gabriel and other little things for about $300. Ikea was more expensive obviously, but we were able to find rods and curtains for all of the windows in our house, a cabinet to house our cable box and dvd player, and a large mirror for the living room. It was a great day although now my house is littered with tons of tools, empty boxes, and plastic wrappings from the work we've been putting in. Today will be dedicated to looooots of cleaning. Happy 5th of July!
Now, I love finding great budget-friendly knick-knacks and this weekend was no exception. It started with a trip to Henry's Market, which has become my new favorite grocery store. I have been wanting to go organic and local for a while and Henry's is perfect for that. The previous week, I took a trip to Fresh and Easy, whose promise is to provide lower prices by keeping their operating costs low. I liked the mission so I decided to shop there; true, their prices were low and I was sufficiently pleased with my purchases. However, not just a few days later, after planning a menu including the asparagus I had just purchased, I opened the fridge to find that they had a slightly fishy stink and were already quite slimy. I decided to try Henry's next, as they have a similar promise, to bring you locally grown, natural, sometimes- depending on the product-organic foods. I fell in love with store! They let you buy all sorts of things in bulk like pretzels, flour, sugar, granola, etc. There are fresh fruits and vegetables galore and plenty of fresh, organic, low-cost meats and cheeses. It's like a little slice of heaven in there. Adrian and I walked out with about 10 grocery bags full of food, 4 bottles of wine, and a 6 pack of beer for the low price of $135.48. I would say it was quite the success!
On Saturday morning, Adrian and I decided to go garage-sale-ing and then to Ikea, another huge success. We found a large wine cabinet with a marble top, an ironing board, some books for Gabriel and other little things for about $300. Ikea was more expensive obviously, but we were able to find rods and curtains for all of the windows in our house, a cabinet to house our cable box and dvd player, and a large mirror for the living room. It was a great day although now my house is littered with tons of tools, empty boxes, and plastic wrappings from the work we've been putting in. Today will be dedicated to looooots of cleaning. Happy 5th of July!
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