The night I became a mother

I would say my son is a relatively healthy toddler. We clamored our way through the first 12 months with nothing more than a cold or two. I heartily believe it is a combination between the fact that we spent 356 long, arduous, rewarding (and mutually frustrating) days exclusively breastfeeding and that we resigned ourselves to a self-induced seclusion most of the time. I guess you could say that I stay pretty healthy as well; I very nearly escaped the winter season with only the sniffles. Adrian, however, has been sick just about every weekend for the past few months. Side note: funny, how his "headaches" conveniently show up on the weekends when he has time to sleep in... 

I digress; Gabriel was sick for literally the last two weeks, starting two weekends ago, with the last weekend being the worst. I took him in the Tuesday prior and was told that I am the overly-concerned parent of a child with a cold. Now, for those of you who are mothers: you know when there is something wrong with your child. It's embedded in your very being the moment that child pops out your lady-parts (or in my case, was plucked from my belly). He was miserable; sick, inconsolable, uncomfortable, despondent. After four nights of waking, we hit our low point. He woke up around 9:30pm and for the first time in his life, at least while he's been mobile in some way, he fell asleep in my arms. I gently laid him in bed and quietly tip-toed out the door. My husband, God bless him, was sick in bed asleep.

Not an hour later, my poor baby (and by baby, I mean child, not husband) was screaming from his bedroom. My in-laws were in town and my Nana helped, but really, he just wanted his mama. 

He screamed, I walked. I walked, and I walked, and I walked from 10:30pm until about 1:30am. It was the only thing that kept him calm and a small price to pay for his comfort. The next day I was exhausted, eyes burning, head pounding. I thought about all the things people had said about motherhood; the sleepless nights, the teething, terrible twos. How I would get used to not sleeping and not having a life of my own. Well, I'm still not used to not sleeping and I get selfish every now and then. But that night, I walked. And I snuggled. I was surrounded by a grandmother and great-grandmother who had been in my shoes, who had walked the walk. That night, I felt like I came a little bit closer to becoming the mother I aspire to be.