17 reasons why I'm wound so tightly by the end of the day

Here is an in-depth explanation of why I am as prickly as a cactus by the time my sweet husband gets home. I don't think he gets it, so here it is...

1. My coffee pot wasn't working and caused 35% reduction in the amount of coffee. Yes, 35%, this is serious, people.
2. In an effort to get "me-time," I stayed up to do a fantasy draft with my girlfriends but I realized that I actually don't function when I stay up past 10:30.
3. The baby had a blow-out of epic proportions this morning in Target, so epic that it exploded all over his car seat and I can't figure out how to get the cover off to wash it and everything is covered in mustard poop. 
4. In an effort to help the 4-year old get more watermelon, I knocked over a 2 pound box of blueberries all over the floor and then stepped in them. 
5. The 7-year old has taken up baby talk to be funny and screeches like an unearthed mandrake for God knows what reason and I swear I have developed misophonia since having kids.
6. I ate lunch at 2 pm. Scratch that, 2:30 pm.
7. I'm trying to figure out how to manage working, actually folding laundry instead of tossing it on a chair/in a laundry basket/on a bed, and unpacking an entire house.
8. The day to try on pre-pregnancy jeans was not today. In fact, I'm thinking it might be sometime in the year 2018.
9. I have played referee all day to 2 lovely, sweet children who turn into crazed pscyhopaths when there's an iPad involved and they haven't gotten their turn yet.
10. "Can I spin the Pokestop?" Every. Single. Time. we leave our community. Whoever made the neighborhood fountain a pokestop deserves a cozy spot in hell.
11. I was on the receiving end of an angry bug who left a bite the size of a baseball on my butt cheek.
12. One of the baby's favorite times to scream at the top of his lungs is every single school pick-up and drop-off.
13. The 4-year old decided to scream at the most opportune time (3 minutes after we were supposed to leave to pick up brother) that he is too tired and cannot get up off the floor without my hand which is currently full of a baby car seat, diaper bag, purse, keys and a bottle of water. 
14. I heard "mom" 27 times on the 6 minute ride home from school this afternoon. I counted. 
15. There was a baby alligator in the community pool today and I don't even have to see it in person to decide that I'm good, no need to swim literally ever again.
16. I thought it would be "fun" to take 3 kids to dinner by myself.
17. Speaking of dinner, the 4-year old has decided that he wants a burger, but really he wants a bite of burger, 4 fries and then 18 cookies.

So honey, when I am pouring wine at 3:30 pm and practically throwing the baby at you when you walk in the door 30 minutes late, now you know.